On Mondays, I have two modes: asleep and zombie. There really isn't much of a difference between the two except the latter involves me actually attempting to move around while I avoid conversation.
While nothing will ever really take away Monday pain quite like skipping work and spending the day under the covers with your BFF, Hulu, there are ways to numb that dreaded “Sh*t, I have the whole week ahead of me” feeling.
Here are our favorite ways to make the first day of the work week as painless as possible.
1. Make yourself a milk and honey bubble bath.
Just the thought of soaking for an hour should give you something to look forward to while you bullsh*t through your conference calls and meetings.
You can buy a pre-made bath bomb or, if you're feeling extra crafty, make your own with milk, honey and the oatmeal you're never going to eat for breakfast.
2. Go for a Monday happy hour.
Who says you have to wait until the end of the week to get your buzz on? Find a local spot, enjoy the relatively empty bar and soak in the drink specials.
3. Whatever you do, don't be hungover.
Mondays suck enough as is, why make it even harder to get out of bed? If you insist on getting crunk to banish the Sunday scaries, pop an Advil and drink a canoe-sized bottle of water. You don't want to deal with that sh*t when you wake up.
4. Bust out that red lipstick.
Or winged eyeliner. Or tweeze your damn brows for once. Basically, throw something on your face that gives people the impression you actually put more than three seconds into getting your sh*t together. When you look good, you feel good.
5. Wear something saucy.
Don't wear your go-to Monday sweatpants for once and put on a sassy leather mini that requires you to shave your damn legs. Or just put on nice pants.
6. Wear your favorite undies.
Wearing your hottest, “typically reserved for a date” underwear will automatically make you feel sexier throughout the day. It's like a naughty little secret you'll be reminded of every time you sneak away to cry in the bathroom.
7. Schedule your Tinder date for Monday.
It'll give you a reason to dress hot, wear that sexy underwear and get drunk.
8. Screw someone's brains out before work.
Get some Vitamin D in before your morning meetings.
9. Smoke the last of your weed.
Ideally in the morning or during your lunch break. No one will know, right?
10. Have a margarita at lunch.
Keep it to one drink, though, otherwise you'll be nicknamed "Bacardi Bella” or “Tequila Tammy” for the rest of your life.
11. Take a kickboxing class before work.
You know you'll be too lazy to do it after work, so wake up 45 minutes earlier and take the early bird class. I promise you'll feel more awake by the time you get to the office.
12. Get a pre-work blowout.
Bonus points if you can make it last the week. Plus, you'll feel pretty. Oh, so pretty.
13. Go for a power run.
It'll help clear your head for the rest of the week and you'll feel a little less like a vegetable.
14. Lie about all the cool sh*t you did this weekend.
No one has to know you were cuddling your cat and watching “Jane the Virgin” since Friday afternoon. You totally hooked up with a former member of N*Sync Saturday night (Joey, I'm looking at you).
15. Eat a breakfast that doesn't consist of three cups of coffee and Splenda.
It's the most important meal of the day for a reason. Plus, that bacon, egg and cheese is reason enough to wake up.
16. Make Monday your cheat day.
Meatless Monday? Sure, if that means that I get to eat chocolate cake and ice cream all day.
17. Make your f*cking bed in the morning.
At least when you get home from work, your room will look like an actual human lives in it and not like the inside of your sad, messy soul.
18. Take a 2:30 pm walk.
Your food baby has transformed into a baby desperately in need of a nap. That walk should hopefully wake you up and if not, just walk past your office crush's desk as many times as it takes for him to talk to you.
19. Listen to old-school Hilary Duff and Britney on your commute.
If Hils can get through Aaron Carter, you can make it through today.
20. Throw some sh*t in your slow cooker.
Step one: Find that slow cooker your clueless aunt got you for Christmas. Step two: Find an easy recipe. Step three: Have dinner ready by the time you get back from work.
21. Take a long walk with your dog.
Your pup will appreciate it, plus you're getting some actual time outside. Disregard if it's cold, rainy or snowing out. Just be sure to apologize to your dog when you realize walking is actually hard.
22. Pin the sh*t out of some inspirational quotes.
Whether this counts as midday inspiration or a way to kill time at work, it's totally up to you.
23. Treat yourself.
Get your hair did, your nails did, your bikini line un-did. Then spend the entirety of your paycheck on shoes. Whatever, it's Monday.
24. Schedule some serious one-on-one time with your vibe.
Ideally while wearing the sexy undies you rocked to work.
25. Netflix and chill. Solo.
Communicating with other people? That's what Fridays are for.