31 Reasons Why I'm A Grandma, And I Don't Even GAF About It

by Ashley Fern

The older we get, the less we seem to want to go out, get f*cked up and deal with the brutal hangover that's sure to come with it.

We seem to be maturing in at least one aspect of our lives; unfortunately, not everyone is on the same wavelength.

You still have those friends who can't wrap their heads around the fact you'd rather stay in on a Friday night, glass of wine in hand, watching a movie on your couch with your best friend.

Does this make you a "grandma" by their standards? Probably.

Do you care? Not in the slightest.

In fact, you couldn't be further from giving a f*ck.

You are content doing exactly what you want to be doing, even if that something is really nothing.

So who cares if your friends call you a grandma? You're proud, and you know they're actually right.

So how exactly have they hit the nail on the head?

1. I literally don't get FOMO.

Why do people get FOMO? I never do things I don't want to do, and nothing you're doing can make me regret that decision. I'm perfectly content hanging by myself...

2. I actually want to do something on my Sundays.

While y'all are hungover as sh*t on Sunday, I'll be hitting the gym, going grocery shopping and doing whatever other errands I've neglected over the entire week.

3. I have control over at least one aspect of my life.

I may not be able to control anything else in my life, but I can control the fact that I don't want to go out.

Sure, that may not mean a lot to you, but just think of how many people give into FOMO.

4. My purse is actually from Mary Poppins.

If you think having a messy purse is a flaw, then you are sadly mistaken.

You may call us grandmas, but girls with messy purses actually have their sh*t together more than their clean-pursed counterparts.

5. I wear large glasses because I can't see, not because I'm a hipster.

Some people wear glasses for style, but I am not one of those people.

6. I'll take granny panties over thongs any day.

Do you know most women these days would actually prefer this? Fellow grandmas unite!

7. I haven't gone out in three months.

What makes this weekend different from all other weekends? Absolutely nothing, and I f*cking love it!

8. I have a porcelain tea set.

No, it's not for decoration; I actually use it. All day. Every day. No fail.

9. I can barely walk.

...Let alone in heels. I'll just save myself the embarrassment of tripping to the emergency room by staying home.

10. I blend all my food so I don't have to chew

Do you know the real reason people go on juice cleanses? Because they are too lazy to chew their food. Just kidding, but you get my point.

11. I have more pills than a pharmacy.

Morning, noon and night -- if there's a time slot for them, then I'll be talking them. And no, I don't have any to share.

12. I'm hungry for dinner at 4 pm.

While others mock the early-bird special, I thrive during it.

13. My grey hairs aren't a trend; they're natural.

I was about 14 years old when I found my first grey hair. I used to worry about dying it, then I realized -- f*ck it! It makes me unique.

14. I have absolutely no control of my bladder.

At any given moment, I can go to the bathroom. Maybe that sounds like a little TMI for you, but for those who can relate --  the struggle is real.

15. I set my hair.

If you don't realize your hair looks better slept on, then I really don't know what you're doing with your life.

16. I can't handle loud noises.

It doesn't matter if it's music or people speaking -- no noise is the best noise, so keep your nonsense away from me.

17. I pass out on weeknights at 10:30 pm.

And to be honest with you, sometimes it's before that. #NoShame.

18. Everything makes me tired.

Walking to the fridge from my room exhausts me, walking to the corner store makes me want to get back in bed, and honestly, I'd rather crawl than walk to get my mail.

19. I go to movie matinees at 2 pm on Sundays.

Because I'm not too hungover to get there!

20. Everything is too expensive.

No seriously -- why do things cost money?

21. My cats need company.

I bought them for a reason, didn't I?!

22. I return everything.

I buy things for the sick thrill of it, then realize I'm broke and should return it.

23. I always get a doggy bag.

Nothing screams grandma quite like taking your leftovers to go.

24. My lipstick always bleeds outside of my lip line.

If I'm going to be a mess, may as well be a hot mess, right?

25. I've been tanning since 16.

My skin is tougher than my leather jacket.

26. I've been smoking cigarettes since 13.

I don't actually know the last time I didn't have smoker's cough.

27. I'm allergic to social media.

I haven't logged on to Facebook since my friend made me one five years ago.

28. I don't get along with anyone under the age of 60.

They just don't understand!

29. I'll go out in my sweats, but I'll always have my face put on.

I may dress like a schlump, but my makeup is always flawless.

30. I always smell vaguely of florals.

You know you can't resist me.

31. I've lost all fear of social repercussions from my actions.

There are only two types of people who don't give a f*ck about what they do -- babies and old people.

For more of her thoughts, humor and ridiculous opinions follow Ashley Fern on Instagram and Twitter.