Witch, Please: These Healing Crystal Dildos Make Your Vagina A Better Place

It's high time the hard-hitting world of journalism covered the number one topic that matters most in our society right now: pussy.

We're wearing them as hats, we're drawing them on signs, we're out there fighting for their equal rights and we're marching them around the globe.

With all the work they're doing in the world at large, pussies need a way to recharge.

And I'm not just talking about your everyday sexual reset button. I'm talking about a straight-up, uncut spiritual orgasm.

I'm talking about an orgasm that makes you feel as if you're making love to God and giving birth to YOURSELF, like when you first heard Beyoncé's Lemonade.

What I'm talking about is... fucking a crystal.

Why would you ever want to bang a rock shaped like a dick, Rosebud? Good question, dear reader.

The answer is two-fold.

Reason number 1: Because I deserve more than a dick made of flesh. I deserve to cum from something closer to a dick-shaped diamond, and so do you.

Reason number 2: Because women have been masturbating with shower heads for far too long. I'm tired of hammering myself with a household appliance my landlord picked up at Home Depot.

So, when I found out about Chakrubs, the crystal sex toys for sexy witches, I put my money down and ordered myself some sexual healing.

First, I should address the skeptical science-minded broads out there.

Here's an interesting fact to note:

In 2001, Dr. Christopher French conducted a study to test the healing effects of crystals.

Half the participants were given real crystals and half were given fake crystals, along with booklets explaining the healing benefits. They included tingling, improved concentration, a rise in hand temperature, increased energy levels and an improved sense of wellbeing.

Of the 80 participants in the study, only six claimed to not experience a sensation.

The rest, whether they held a real or a fake crystal, reported feeling warmer hands and having increased concentration, among other things.

French told the Telegraph,

The fact that the same effects were found with both genuine and fake crystals undermines any claims that crystals have the mysterious powers which they are claimed to have.

French did not, however, report following through on testing for those who claimed to experience sensations while using the crystals.

His study completely disregarded the mind-body connection and the power of belief.

He also made no mention of how many participants who claimed to feel nothing were holding REAL crystals.

Instead of claiming the effects of the crystals were bullshit, another way to look at the result of Dr. French's study would've been how effective the power of belief is.

So, to the believers, with all this being said, the Chakrubs products are made from 100 percent PURE crystal.

The creator of Chakrubs, Vanessa Cuccia, told Slutist that to create the dildos,

I had to find crystals that had hardness levels of 7 or higher on the Mohs scale, and that form in large enough clusters to be able to carve into chakrubs [...] I then researched the metaphysical properties of the stones to see if it would make sense to use as a Chakrub.

For my mineral lovemaking sesh, I got the Rose Wand, made of rose quartz, a heart stone that is known for being a crystal of unconditional love.

According to its product description,

It carries a soft feminine energy of compassion and peace, tenderness and healing, nourishment and comfort. It speaks directly to the Heart Chakra, dissolving emotional wounds, fears and resentments, and circulates a Divine loving energy throughout the entire aura.

I don't know about any of that, but it did give me one HELL of an orgasm.

And I'm pretty sure when you climax as hard as I did using that thing, it'll do all that other cool stuff to your aura.

I'm not exactly a soft and feminine girl (although very compassionate), so maybe this will help me harness that energy and stop climaxing so loud that the cops get called.

I will say, using Chakrubs stimulated my imagination more than your regular, run-of-the-mill plastic vibrator.

And that's probably because of the ritual I was instructed to do before using it:

Align energies by meditating with it before use. Place Chakrubs on various chakras and tune in to what the crystal is offering you. Telepathically communicate your intentions, give and receive gratitude for beginning this journey.

Instead of watching porn, I was able to slow down and actually enjoy myself more by just getting in touch with what turned me on.

As for "dissolving emotional wounds," just masturbating without a man around takes care of that.

I mean, imagine being able to shop for a guy based on his dick's hardness level on the Mohs scale.

Now, imagine removing the personality of that male human being from that unit and the kind of orgasm that would enable you to have.

This is a dildo you'll use for the remainder of your life.