Women have more f*ckboy tendencies than they'd like to admit.
We rarely mind tangling men in our womanly webs for validation, pricey dinners and comforting attention, without having to reciprocate identical feelings. This arguably undesirable act is aptly called friend zoning.
Let me be clear, the unfortunate guy exiled to this platonic, one-sided abyss is a genuine companion, cared about and even admired for his great qualities. But his relentless neediness, brotherly familiarity and desire to please the woman he pines for leaves room for unrequited love.
Being friend zoned is a self-served sentence. Fellas, if we don't like you, NBD. Just walk away.
To be honest, banishing guys to The Pit of relationships may be less about sickeningly good guy personalities and more to do with not wanting to remove our Bumble profiles. Or maybe we're just not that into you. Accept it.
Unless you’re Kanye, your spot in the friend zone is gridlocked. It's hard to see what's happening when you're lit for someone's love. So for all the clueless guys out there unknowingly straddling the friend zone bench, here’s a clear-cut cheat sheet for figuring out if you're strictly a guy friend or have been placed in the friend zone.
When she wants to have sex.
Guy friend: Unless she's really drunk and revels in complicated friendships, you will never get a shot at f*cking her. Sure, she'll complain to you about her coital drought and may even be your wingwoman, but mostly, she's off limits.
Friend zoned guy: It's complicated. Usually, her skin crawls at the thought of a bedroom romp with you, but it has crossed her mind when she's bored or tired of taking orgasms into her own hands. Final verdict? Nah.
When she's hungry and doesn't want to pay for it.
Guy friend: She has no problem going dutch most days, but when she's weeks away from payday, she might need you to spot her. She knows she's got the next one.
Friend zoned guy: You don't merely ask what she wants for dinner, you'll even cook for her. The world (and every Chipotle taco she desires) is hers.
When she needs a ride to work.
Guy friend: You'll oblige but like, only if it doesn't take her forever to get ready.
Friend zoned guy: Are you kidding me? You've had your Superman cape ready for this particular moment. And if you have no way of driving her there yourself, you'll call her an Uber. (She's also standing by for a "hope you have a great day at work" text to follow.)
When she wants to vent about her roommates.
Guy friend: You'll listen and give great feedback on how to hook up her new Apple TV.
Friend zoned guy: You'll listen and give great feedback...and then ask her to come over later. SMH.
When she wants to get married.
Guy friend: Even in jest, she's pictured being married to one of your attractive guy friends. It's likely if she finds herself 35 and single, you'll swoop in and play Noah to her Allie.
Friend zoned guy: You dig her so much you may ask for her hand in marriage right now if she'd only give you a shot. Have you seen "The Wedding Planner"? Yeah, you're Massimo.
As you can see, there's a somewhat thin line between being the guy friend and the friend zoned guy. TBH, it all depends on her whiskey intake, her libido and who's present. Because, as we've all witnessed, if the stars align just right, entering any relationship zone is possible.