F*ck, Marry, Kill: The Famous Families Edition You Know You Want To Play
There are certain families you just need to be a part of.
For me, it's the Weasleys from the “Harry Potter” series. Sure, they're poor and were rather unfortunate toward the end, but they're so kooky, wholesome and loving that I sometimes dream of dumping ash into my pretend fireplace, hoping I’d Floo into the Burrow.
However, not all families (fictional or otherwise) are quite as perfect. The Duggars, for example, still leave a sour taste in my mouth. The Kardashian Klan and whoever it is they’re f*cking this month is still worthy of multiple eye-rolls.
Seeing as f*ck, marry, kill is still my favorite game of all time, I thought it only natural to play with my favorite famous families, both real and not.
They say you can’t pick your family, but I bet some of these members desperately wish they could.
Round 1: The Royals
F*ck: the Kennedys. John Kennedy was a fox, okay? Jackie O wasn’t too bad, either. But I’d want to be the Marilyn in that situation.
Marry: the Royal Family. I’ve always wanted to be a princess, so I’d obviously marry into the royals. Sure, they might be all about tradition and pomp, but they have Prince Harry. Also, don't forget about George, who is sure to grow up to be a babe.
Kill: the Clintons. Because all the big shot Kennedys are already dead.
Round 2: The Reality TV Families
F*ck: the Robertsons from "Duck Dynasty." These guys take lumbersexuality to a terrifying degree, but I guess they’re the lesser of all evils.
Marry: the Thompson family from "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo." They’re weirdly lovable, in a gross, mayo sandwich-eating way.
Kill: the Duggars. Any family who has Josh Duggar as one of its children needs to leave this earth and over-populate elsewhere.
Round 3: The Wannabe Royals
F*ck: the Hiltons. Because the Kim Kardashian sex tape is about as exciting as 2pm on a Tuesday and the Trumps are a waste of breath. Conrad is also way hotter than Rob.
Marry: the Kardashians. At least you know you’ll never be bored. Also, if your kids end up looking like North West, it might be worth putting up with Kanye for.
Kill: the Trumps. Racist, misogynistic, toupée-wearing pricks need not exist. (Except Ivanka, love you!)
Round 4: The Sitcom Families
F*ck: the Banks family from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." Let’s not even play, Carlton was hot. Alfonso Ribeiro, follow me on Twitter!
Marry: the Dunphys from "Modern Family." I wouldn’t mind waking up next to Phil every morning. Plus, you get to be related to Sofia Vergara and there’s virtually no way to mess that up.
Kill: the Camdens from "7th Heaven." I’m sorry, but no one cares. Not even Ashlee Simpson and Jessica Biel could save that trainwreck.
Round 5: The Mob Families
F*ck: the Gottis. I’d be scared for my life to have Victoria Gotti as a mother-in-law, but the boys grew up hot. However, I don’t think I’d be able to tolerate them for more than an hour or two of “murder and chill."
Marry: the "Mob Wives." They scare the living sh*t out of me, which is a pretty accurate depiction of what I expect marriage to be like anyway.
Kill: the Sopranos. It’s kill or be killed, right?
Round 6: The Dream Families
F*ck: all the families on "Gossip Girl." There is not one person on that show I would not bang.
Marry: The Gilmores from "Gilmore Girls." There's some smart DNA in that gene pool and I want my future kids to be in on it.
Kill: The Tanners/Gladstones/Katsopolis clan from "Full House." Danny Tanner is the spawn of Satan and no family — even one with Uncle Jesse in it — is worth saving.
Round 7: The California Families
F*ck: all the families on "The O.C." Seriously, is California just filled with people I want to bone?
Marry: the Bluth family from "Arrested Development." We’ve all had a crush on Michael Bluth at some point. Don’t front.
Kill: the Spellings. Tori and Dean are recurring stars in my nightmares.