Going out and partying is all fun and games until you realize that you are the oldest one there and have a better chance of hooking up with these kids' parents than you do with the middle schoolers inside.
Nightlife in your late 20s is not for the meek. The threat of being spilled on is always present, and watching comically drunk girls slurring their words while asking the DJ for a selfie is a painful reminder of your former self. (But your legs were waaaaay better.)
The thing about clubbing in your late twenties is that the places stay the same, but you're getting older. Here are the 18 things that make you feel "old" when you go out in your late 20s.
1. Feeling buzzed off one cocktail
Upside: Getting drunk will be easy. Downside: You, realizing you have to get out more.
2. Comparing your $15 vodka tonic to your water bill
And just like your bill, it's completely watered down.
3. Taxi drivers are more interesting than the people at the bar
You didn't even need to get wasted to have a meaningful conversation!
4. Wearing flats because heels hurt
Your height belies your age.
5. Wanting to tell the guy you're with that you're only 21
Age ain't nothing but a number, amiright?
6. Unrecognizable dance music
You have absolutely no idea what the correct words are to the latest house track... or why there aren't any words for that matter.
7. Getting a drink spilled on your dress that you were planning to wear to work the next day
No, you didn't get this outfit from Forever 21. Yes, you did try to double "going out" clothes as work clothes. Priorities.
8. You're no longer on a first-name basis with the doorman
He's dropped you. For someone younger. Sound familiar?
9. Children running around, making out in dark corners
Aren't there laws that prevent this sort of thing?
10. Interns and Red Bull
The two go hand-in-hand, and seeing them together makes you feel doubly older.
11. Feeling out-of-place in a booty-baring mini skirt
Congratulations, this means you're finally growing up in this world.
12. Big pregames
You don't need games as incentive to drink. In fact, you don't even need other people around either.
13. Uncontrollably sweating
Somehow, you don't remember perspiring this much five years ago. Have bars gotten hotter? How is anyone supposed to look attractive while sweating more than Rob Kardashian in a Weight Watchers weigh-in?
14. Facebook invites
It's basically code for "come 30 minutes after the listed time, stay for exactly two hours, and see everyone you know."
15. $750+ per bottle at a table.
Kids these days.
16. Ordering a chardonnay or craft beer
You've outgrown shot bombs and fireballs and puke dreams. You've also outgrown having to explain your life choices, including your drink selection.
17. The energy
It's practically 2 am and these children show no signs of slowing down. All this energy makes you want to go home and pass out watch cooking documentaries on Netflix.
18. When "This Is Your Night" by Amber comes on and you're the only one partying
It doesn't matter how (in)frequently you go out now -- you really used to kill it back in the day!
19. The 2-Day hangover
Remember when you used to go to the library the next day? Now, you can barely think how much to tip the delivery guy.
20. The bartender isn’t legally allowed to drink yet
...But her fully-developed chest says otherwise.
21. When you drink it straight, no chaser
And suddenly it dawns on you that back then you were a human garbage can with no standards.
22. Bandage skirts and crop tops
BASICally the uniform of your youth.
23. Resembling your mom more than yourself
If you’re out past midnight, then you’re definitely a cool mom.
Top Photo Courtesy: Kirill Was Here