Dear Blacked-Out Self: We Can't Hang Out This Weekend

Hey you,

Yeah, I'm talking to you. I see you sitting there on Gchat at 3 pm, trying to figure out your plans for the night, deciding whom you are going to pregame with and what bar you will be heading to. You had a stressful work week, per usual, so obviously the only way you want to unwind is by getting sh*tfaced. But let's think for a moment, is that really what you want to be doing?

Don't you have errands to catch up on that you don't want to be hungover for? Don't you want to hit the gym since you skipped your workout on Wednesday? You know there's no way in hell you are making it to the gym in your hungover state, especially since your at-home remedy involves you getting high.

And to those people who claim they like working out stoned, you are damn liars and fools. I tried it once and let's just say that the #FitFam doesn't appreciate when you roll around on the ab mat laughing at yourself because you are having flashbacks from the night before.

Why do you even like drinking so much? I mean, it doesn't even make sense. You go out to have a good time and come the next day, you don't even know what went down. So how do you know you even had fun? Oh because you drunkenly uploaded four pictures to Instagram to help remind you, #basic.

How are you having fun if you can't even remember the night? This is a question Millennials have been asking and ignoring for years, opting to choose blacking out over a memorable night. Let's break down what happens when you are partying in a blacked-out state:

1) You see that you sent Snapchats to people you definitely shouldn't have, but, unfortunately, cannot for the life of you remember what these photos consisted of.

2) You order a ton of unnecessary food you shouldn't be eating because diets don't exist when you're wasted. Although, if you throw out the evidence before you wake up, did it ever really happen?

3) You post a picture of you with your friends and all of your eyes are closed. You top this off with a ridiculous caption absolutely no one understands except the people in the photo. Newsflash: It wasn't that funny when it was happening, so when other people see it, it's even less funny.

4) You probably texted or called someone you shouldn't have... seven times...

Do any of the four above scenarios really sound like something you want to deal with, especially when you are hungover? Absolutely not; why would people be willing to put themselves through any of these things?

So after my harsh lecture, are you going to listen to me when you go out tonight? Will you only have one drink or will you ignore my great advice and plow through endless tequila shots that land you with your head in the toilet like that "one" time in Mexico?

If you aren't going to heed my warning, at least make sure you stock up on the hangover essentials before you depart for your evening. Advil on deck, a packed bowl on your night table, three blue Gatorade bottles in the fridge and a breakfast spot already in mind.

Also: Try your hardest to plug in your phone when you get home because waking up to a 17 percent battery when you have sh*t to get done the next day is the worst. That is just another anxiety you most definitely do not need.

I wish you luck on your endeavor, Ashley, and may the odds be ever in your favor.


Your Sober (And Smarter) Self

Photo credit: Bryan Sheffield