Last week was brutal.
OK, so it wasn't exactly summer weather, but it was hot. By the time I walked the block to the train I take to work, I was sweating like it was July. Unfortunately, it's April and 70-something degrees.
At first, I thought these were typical #SweatyGirlProblems, but I find that women — especially plus-sized, curvy women — have a whole different kind of bullsh*t to deal with once the temps rise. We don't just get pit stains, we get underboob and butt crease stains. Not cool.
Plus-size babes, are you ready for these? Because I'm not.
When vagina sweat is real.
I mean, sure, non-curvy women deal with coochie sweat too, but for some reason, things down there get extra gross when you're full-figured. Maybe it's the extra folds? Maybe the universe just hates us?
The absolute worst is when you have to sit down in a black leather chair. I don't know about you, but my vag sweat leaves an imprint so serious, I'm now the queen of the wipe-n-go.
When your thighs give you a rash.
I love my thighs. I love how they jiggle, how they fill out a pair of jeans, how they look in shirts and skirts. But I HATE that summertime burn. You know what I mean, that sizzling feeling halfway between your thighs when everything is just rubbing together so much it hurts to walk.
Once, TSA had to take an extra-long time with my carry-on because I had a jar of baby powder. When they asked me what I use it for, I told them it was to help my thighs combat friction. They thought I was crazy.
Should've just told them it was for my hair.
Two words: underboob sweat.
I love going braless. However, letting the girls loose when you have two substantially-sized cantaloupes produces a lot of sweat. It's enough to make my gray shirts leave an horrific amount of linty fuzz in my underboob area.
And, if you do wear a bra, you're still going to get a swamp situation happening around your underwire. This is why we can't have nice things.
Don't forget cleavage sweat.
Oh, you thought I was done with boob sweat? Not. At. All.
Ladies with large ta-tas, you are all probably familiar with sweaty cleavage. I like to call it "swamp boob," because there's a river going on between my sweater puppies and no amount of mopping up can fix it.
Booty sweat stains that need their own zip code.
Booty sweat is very different from vag sweat. Don't get me wrong, both are gross, but ass sweat literally trickles down your leg because the world hates you.
Worse yet, it's always a mildly yellowish color, which is just so sexy when you're dying at Coachella and it looks like you've peed yourself. But, it's just your under-ass telling you the world is dark and full of terrors.
Last summer, I wore a pair of white shorts to a date because it was around 100 degrees out and linen is supposed to keep you cool. I ended up sweating through the shorts, leaving a pair of yellowish-looking stains where my under-butt region is.
Worst of all is roll sweat.
Curvy girls know to stay away from bright colors in the summer because our rolls decide to create their own little sweat puddles. This would be cute, except it sucks and is literally the worst thing about being a plus-size girl.
Good luck this summer, ladies. It'll be a hot one.