As I write this, I'm sitting in an abnormally cold room, wearing a fleece-and-cashmere blend sweater.
I'm also sweating profusely.
My friends and co-workers complain about being sweaty like it's an adorable byproduct of being awkward. No, honey, if you sweat like I do, there's nothing remotely cute about it. My sweat makes chambray shirts quake in fear.
For one, it f*cks up the way I shop for clothes because I can't wear suede, certain cotton blends or silk. They're stifling and don't allow my skin to breathe, creating the perfect storm of sweat stains. You know what else I can't wear? Gray, white and just about every pastel under the sun.
There's a reason I f*cking love winter. The likelihood of me sweating through my coat or giant wool sweater is slim to none (OK, I've done it once).
There's nothing cute about being a gnarly, drippy mess. When the occasion calls for me to be relatively approachable, I keep my bag stocked with incidentals to keep the sweats at bay. It's a wild jumble of pocket-sized deodorant and pit wipes.
Let's all collectively cold sweat over the following true (and terrifying) tales.
1. I feel naked without a pocket-sized deodorant. My sweaty pits love Lavanila The Healthy Mini in Pure Vanilla.
2. Touch my hand at your own risk, because it's swampy. I've had to tell people I was sick just so they wouldn't shake my hand.
3. Greasy bangs are real. Every time I've been stupid enough to get bangs, I've washed them twice a day because they look like oily spider legs.
4. I also had to use a sh*t-ton of dry shampoo. My greasy bangs loved Redken Pillow Proof Two-Day Extender, and yours will, too.
5. "Fifty Shades of Grey" is based on my sweat stains. So is the sequel, "Fifty Shades of Chambray."
6. Even the most basic workout leaves me dripping with sweat.
7. My yoga mat becomes a wading pool 10 minutes into my first sun salutation. There are literal puddles on my mat and it's disgusting.
8. Ass sweat always creeps up on me when I'm not looking, particularly under the cheeks. It gets real uncomfortable real quick.
9. It's not body glitter, it's my cleavage sweat.
10. Tights remind me there is a hell and I am living in it. Removing a pair of tightly-woven tights I've been wearing for ten hours? It's not pretty.
11. I'm not happy to see you, it's just vagina sweat.
12. The attendants at my gym already know to give me an extra towel because the sweat monster is about to get physical.
13. I can never keep a pair of ballet flats for more than one season without them turning all smelly and nasty on me. Bye-bye, Chanel flats. It was nice knowing you.
14. Also, rain boots. If I'm wearing rain boots, I can only remove them if I'm in the privacy of my own room. You know how burning rubber smells? It's like that, but ten times worse.
15. I sweat so much, people are convinced I'm sick. Except I'm not. I'm just sweating like it's the SATs.
16. Sock sweat is proof there are things wrong with the world. Here's a fun stat: Feet contain over 250,000 sweat glands, which make feet sweat roughly half a pint of moisture a day. Yum.
17. Cold sweat doesn't even make sense. How can I be sweating and not even be hot?
18. In the summer, I look forward to that feeling of sweat trickling down my butt crack. Actually, I feel that during the rest of the seasons, too.
19. There's nothing I love more than the feeling of my bare, sweaty ass on the cold, bacteria-infested subway seat. Ugh.
20. My biggest nightmare is being on top of a guy and watching my sweat drip on top of him in slow-motion.
21. Wearing socks to bed is cozy as f*ck until I wake up halfway through the night with sweaty feet.
22. Forehead sweat is the reason my makeup can't stay on, ever. My liquid foundation slides and my powder cakes, which is never a good look.
23. Those weird semi-circles on my shirt are underboob sweat. I know, it's not cute.