Can you identify this object?
If you're a woman who has ever strapped her business into a brassiere, you probably recognize that weird piece of metal as a piece of underwire that I had to pull out of my bra after it spent a whole day poking the sh*t out of my armpit after working its way out of its fabric home.
Now my bra with its one de-underwired cup is totally useless to me unless I want to dress up as a lady with one big saggy titty and one regular one this Halloween.
Don't get me wrong; I love a bra. I never leave the house without one. It keeps me from looking like one of the ladies of my small town youth, running into the local 7-11 with a cigarette burning itself into a dangerously long ash and giant, pendulous breasts swinging loose under an oversized Tweety Bird sweatshirt.
I even sleep in my bra, which people seem to think is really bizarre, but I just find it more comfortable.
That said, there are some problems, like the great underwire stabbing of 2016, that only bra wearers experience.
1. That thing where the hooks on the back of your bra get all twisted and mangled
Yes, you can technically repair these, but let's be honest: Once they're bent out of shape once, they're never really the same.
Related: That thing where all the bra hooks but one come unhooked and your bra is hanging on by a single hook like a car dangling over a cliff.
2. That thing where your bra is too small and gives you a weird underboob
This happens to me half the time I tighten the straps on my bra. All of a sudden, every time I sit down, my boobs pop out the bottom of my bra like they're trying to see what my vagina is doing.
3. That thing where there is actually no bra that is appropriate for the cut of your outfit
Despite all the innovations in bra technology in recent years, there are some outfits that you just cannot Jenga a bra into. Which is all well and good for girls with small breasts who can just go without.
But for the rest of us, it's either let your bra hang out like the international flag for womanchild or leave that backless dress behind.
4. That thing where a sports bra is no match for the power of your tits
So the whole purpose of sports bras is to keep your boobs in place while you exercise, but half the time you put one on, your boobs are flying all around everywhere anyway. You have to basically cut off your circulation with a too-small sports bra that's melded to your now one giant boob in order to keep them steady.
5. That thing where there's a gap between the bra cup and your actual boob
If you're in between sizes and you go for the bigger cup, you often find yourself with a giant space between your actual boob and the bra cup, which is both unsightly and uncomfortable.
6. That thing where you have a quadri-boob
If, however, you're in between sizes and go for the smaller cup, you end up with two boobs that are perfectly bisected into four smaller boobs. Not only is this uncomfortable, but it looks super-weird under a T-shirt.
7. That thing where your date realizes your push-up bra was totally false advertising
As one co-worker put it, "How about when I would try to wear those miraculous push up bras in high school then I'd hook up with a guy and watch the look of terror fall across his face as he watched the boobs he was so sure I had disappear right in front of him?"
This is also a #saggyboobproblem. All's well and good when your bra's got those babies hoisted up to the sky, but what happens when you unsnap that thing in an intimate situation and watch your hook-up partner's face fall as fast as your boobs, which now start around your elbows?
(For the record, I myself am a saggy boob evangelist and just think of them as heaven's trade-off for a big set, but some people consider this a problem.)
8. That thing where the clasp scrapes a hole in your back
Sometimes, when you're wearing a particularly thin shirt or sitting against a particularly hard surface, or you have one of those aforementioned twisted bra hooks, the clasp decides to aggressively dig itself into your back like an assh*le. Later, when you take it off, it leaves some really weird-looking indents too.
9. That thing where your bra gives you armpit bulge
Cool. Not only is my bra completely showing over the top of my sundress, but it's also giving me armpit muffin top. This is what cardigans were made for.
10. That thing where you have to reach into your bra and hoist each breast up into the cup
I always think no one will notice when I do this really quickly in public, but I am pretty sure I am always wrong. Also, my boobs are big, so I really have to dig in there.
11. That thing where your straps won't stay tight
And then your bra straps keep falling down like you're 13, and all you can hear is your mother's voice in your head telling you you look like a trashy little whore. Just me?
No, but seriously, moms really hate it when your bra straps show.
The other big strap struggle is when the straps don't get or won't stay short enough to lift up the boob. WHEN DO THEY EVER DO THIS WELL ENOUGH?
12. That thing where strapless bras don't work
Like ever. I don't care who you are -- you know you just spend the whole time you're wearing a strapless bra pulling it up and worrying that your boobs are going to fall out.
13. That thing where you find stuff in there
While the bra can be an excellent place for holding items you want to keep track of during the night, its ability to hold objects also means that you sometimes find stuff in there when you take it off at the end of the night.
I'm going to be honest, it's mostly food. All food. It's all food.
After reading this list, I think we can safely say that despite all they do for us, bras are giant dicks and we hate them. Seriously, f*ck bras.
