Everything You Think You Know About Taking Care Of Your Boobs Is Wrong

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I used to live vicariously through big-breasted women, dreaming that one day I’d join the titillating elite. These days? I proudly obsess over my small-sized twins so much my friends just may schedule an intervention.

Though I've come to love my boobs, I'm still annoyed by their odd changes and unpredictable future. I can’t seem to get rid of ringlets rooted onto my areola or the painful swelling during my period. Will they be ruined by gravity before I reach grandma status?!

Since we were girls stuffing our training bras with toilet paper, our yabos have morphed, continuously experiencing weird sh*t either monthly or during some life-changing event.

The future of our tatas may seem completely out of our hands, but New York primary care physician, Dr. Marina Gafanovich, says otherwise. We directed our inquiries her way for some tits-only tips.

No matter how big, small or misshapen, you've got to show your best buds some love. Here's how to navigate all the weird sh*t that has or will happen to your boobs.

1. I feel like the Wolverine. What’s the best way rid your boobs of hair?

It's not uncommon for a mammary mane to sprout around the nipple area or between the breasts. But it may be time to trim those stray hairs if they have you feeling more masculine than Hugh Jackman.

Gafanovich recommends plucking for the individual locks surrounding your nips. For hair on the breast or between the breasts, however, use wax strips. "Some opt for electrolysis, Dr. G says. "But since this area is quite sensitive, there is no guarantee that you won't end up with redness or a rash."

Some women and beauty clinics use depilatory creams for this purpose as well. As long as you are not allergic to any of the ingredients that is also a viable solution.

2. Will foregoing a bra to sleep ruin the shape of perky (and amazing!) tits?

Good news: There is absolutely no compulsion to wear a bra 24 hours a day.

Don't lose sleep over nightmares of your breasts touching your knees without the assistance of a stifling undergarment. Dr. Gafanovich assures this is a generational fairytale:

Wearing a bra to sleep to retain the shape of breasts is a myth, which is not supported by any clinical evidence. A large number of women prefer to sleep braless without any negative impact on the shape of their breasts.

Though ditching a bra while catching Zs won't destroy your defined Ds, there are ways to keep your utters at attention. Dr. Gafanovich suggests,

Continue to wear the right size bras that are appropriate for your cup size and maintain your breasts shape through regular exercise, whether its jogging, walking, running, swimming, aerobics or yoga.

If you're unhappy with how your breasts naturally fall, recall your buds' beginnings:

Wearing the right bra when breasts start developing plays a huge role is giving the breasts their initial shape.

3. Is a certain diet better for great breasts? Asking for a friend…

It's simple: The "secret" to a rack women envy (and men love!) is a well-balanced diet, full of fruits and vegetables. Chow down on "lean and healthy" foods like plums, peaches, walnuts, broccoli and salmon. Gosh. Maybe Beyoncé's vegan diet isn't so bad after all.

4. So, how do we get our bouncy breasts back even after breastfeeding?

New mommies, rejoice! Your newborns won't totally suck the life out of you. Don't cut back your intake of saturated fat to retain breast shape, do the exact opposite. Dr. G thinks clipping dairy and red meat out of your meals while breastfeeding can lead to skin damage and makes breasts lose their shape and elasticity. She also believes women shouldn't start breastfeeding abruptly:

Let them adjust to semi-solid foods. Once you start weaning, reduce the number of feeds and gradually come to down breastfeeding once a day.

Lastly, it's all about posture. Maintain proper positioning by sitting in a comfortable place and using proper back support. This will help reduce the strain on your breast tissue and keep your tits from sagging prematurely.

5. Do our boobs ever stop growing? Will I be a chia pet forever?

Dreams of growing a bigger set of twins may be dashed if you're over legal drinking age. Your best bet in seeing changes in bra size is through pregnancy, breastfeeding and aging. "Breast development and growth usually ceases between the ages of 17 to 21 years," Dr. G reiterates.

6. Playing with boobs is fun. How can I incorporate this into my sex routine?

Breasts are knobs to have freaky foreplay, though we know how one bad touch can make arousal levels plummet like Greek banking. "Breasts have sensitive skin with nerve endings, and they require the right pressure," says Dr. Gafanovich. "Anything over and under that pressure will not get the desired response."

Work slowly and gradually when juggling your orbs during your climb to climax. Suddenly grabbing and pumping them won't do the job. While playing with the girls can help, don't forget to connect with your partner mentally:

Couples that have great intimacy and connection tend to enjoy all sexual acts more as compared to those that do not connect or are not aware of each other's needs and desires.

7. If we choose to go the plastic surgery route, what's the breast item on the menu?

There are several types of procedures that a woman can choose to get done: breast augmentation, which enhances the appearance, size and contour of breasts; breast reduction for large, heavy breasts; and breast reconstruction for women who have undergone mastectomy.

Every procedure comes with uncertainty, ranging from severe changes in breast sensation to significant discomfort.

"Plastic surgery has both its pros and cons," Dr. Gafanovich warns. "It needs to be evaluated on a case to case basis."