Nabi Tang

All The Benefits Of Getting An IUD

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If you live in a stupid cave on a desert island, you might have missed the memo that IUDs are all the rage in birth control right now.

IUD stands for Intrauterine Device, and here's how it works: A doctor inserts a tiny piece of copper or plastic localized hormones into your uterus, and then, from what I've gathered, you gain extra human strength, and you're never sad again.

Oh, and you also can't get pregnant.

OK, I'm kidding, but my friends who have an IUD LOVE it and can't sing its praises enough.

Some benefits of an IUD I've heard about include fewer or no periods at all, clearer skin, hormone regulation and no PMS.

So because I get mine tomorrow, here are a few other things I assume come with IUD when you get one:

1. All of Michelle Obama's and Beyonce's secrets will be revealed to me.

2. My uterus will turn to pure gold.

3. The way I'll get pregnant is by grabbing a lightning bolt out of the sky and yelling, "BABY!"

4. Men will weep when they have sex with me.

5. I'll get priority seating on mass transportation.

6. Instead of a vagina, I'll have a beautiful, bejeweled broach between my legs.

7. I'll be able to communicate telepathically with other women who have IUDs.

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8. When I do have babies, they will begin walking at 3 days old.

9. Men will ask permission before making eye contact with me.

10. The mayor will gives me the keys to my town.

11. Ex-boyfriends will leave me letters detailing all the ways they wronged me in my mailbox each morning.

12. Every time I open my legs, Oprah will shout my name.

13. I'll never have to take a multivitamin again.

14. Women will make $1.78 for every one dollar a man makes.

15. Instead of having a period once a month, I'll have four days of finding money in my underwear.

16. I'll be able to lose weight by journaling about my perfect body.

17. All of my body hair will immediately vanish, and the surplus will be made into eco-friendly soil for agriculture in underdeveloped countries.

18. Instead of acne my face will grow diamonds, and I'll start a new piercing trend.

19. My therapist will become dependent on ME.

20. My gynecologist will thank ME for my services.

21. I'll get one of those jobs where they pay me to travel the world and Instagram the food I eat along the way.

22. President Donald Trump and the entire election will have all been a bad dream.

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Of course, not every form of birth control is one size fits all, and despite these presumably stellar benefits, talk to your doctor before getting an IUD.

Me? I'll report back in two days to let you know if I've become a fairy, unicorn princess who feeds on the patriarchy for strength... or if I'm just, like, crampy.