I don't know when, but one day it just happens: All your friends are pregnant.
Okay maybe not all. But enough of my girls have spotted two pink lines to send me into Miley Cyrus panic mode.
My friends’ raging fertility has given me cold sweats, forcing my irrational fears to the forefront of my mind and confirming that although my internal clock has set a baby-making alarm, I’m nowhere near ready to be a mom.
Clearly, I’m Ben Stone to the baby wave.
Yes, planning for a family is imperative even pre-relationship, but jumping the gun to have a baby when you're still spending most weeknights downing apple martinis and self-inducing food coma seems, well, silly.
Multiple friends becoming MILFs not only signifies your own maternal mortality, but also means sweeping through $80 Graco Pack 'n Plays and $40 bundles of Pampers to choose a baby shower gift that doesn’t give away your apathy for the entire occasion.
It’s one thing to be single sans a plus-one at a wedding and hope for your own happily ever after, but it’s quite another to celebrate a budding, sleep-stealing embryo that confirms your turn to play mommy is right around the corner.
It’s another WTF moment I’d like to experience less of, TBH.
But if your friends are more fertile than Kim Zolciak, RSVP and take notes. Here’s how to survive a baby shower when you’re barely ready to be preggo.
First order of business: Bring a thoughtful gift.
Confession: I suck at gift-giving.
One thing I've learned from attending more baby showers than Kris Jenner's friends is choosing the most practical gift from your friend's registry is just fine. A mom can never have enough diapers and onesies for every explosive substance that spews from an infant.
Also, adding a memento that has tremendous emotional value, whether it's an engraved silver spoon or custom-made onesie, may earn you "Friend of the Year."
Now is the time to explore those Pinterest ideas you've been dying to try on your own batch of crumb snatchers.
Helpful tip: Lean toward classic childhood books since, if nothing else, you pray the kid is smart.
Keep yourself on a two drink minimum.
If the expectant mother is considerate, she’ll provide adult beverages for those who don’t have a gut full of baby.
Take that as a sign to numb the pain of watching the mom-to-be open every. single. gift.
It's quite easy to get trashed when alcohol is spilling generously, so sip on sangria but don't overdose.
Go lighter on liquor, if not to quiet your honest thoughts then to at least commiserate with your BFF who can't have a glass of Bordeaux.
Wear something cute and washable.
What's a baby-centric function without dribble, right?
Nine times out of 10, another guest will bring their bundle of joy to join the festivities. And while babies are cute, projectile vomit is not.
Save your overpriced Christian Louboutins and flirty Alexander Wang dress for when Rihanna invites you to a garden fête.
Stuff hand sanitizer and a Tide pen in your purse in case things really get wild.
Be the Serena Williams of baby games.
Fiercely compete for whatever Pinterest-style gift the baby shower host has deemed the prize.
Beating other moms at guessing disgusting baby foods and not saying the b-word will have you riding high on endorphins until the end.
Keep your expectations low, though. There's only so much fun you can have with streamers and clothes pins.
Though everything changes when your friends get knocked up, just think, soon enough you'll be cashing in all this gifting and RSVP'ing Carrie Bradshaw-style.