The worst part about text messaging also happens to be the best: We're able to manipulate our words to indirectly ask for what we want. Confrontation, saying what you mean, all of these things can be avoided when you're talking through a screen.
What we ask through text message is rarely indicative of what we truly want to know. We're able to use the elements of time and editing to craft the perfect not-really-asking-but-asking question or comment.
Here are the 12 indirect phrases girls text and what they really mean. But, you know, this is all just a suggestion.
"Watcha up toooo?"
Read: Wanna come hang out and bring wine? Play with me!
Desired Answer: "Not much besides thinking about you incessantly and waiting for you to invite me over. I'll be there right away, baby. Naked."
Truth: Funneling a beer while toilet texting.
What happens next: Both parties wait four hours until after they are wasted and replay this game again. This time it's called, "Booty Call."
"Who was there?"
Read: I'm majorly FOMO-ing tell me no one who is cool or hot or single was there.
Desired Answer: "No one who was worth noting. The party was so lame. You missed absolutely nothing. It's not fun unless you're there."
Truth: Everybody. Wrong night to stay home.
What happens next: You find out the truth on Facebook. Tell yourself you don't care.
"What time are you getting back?"
Read: I MISS YOU F*CK ME.
Desired Answer: "Hassled the airline... switched my flight to an earlier time. Can't wait to see u."
Truth: Stuck in so much traffic it's miserable. All I wanna do is shower and pass out.
What happens next: Everyone wins.
"Heyyy, I'm still at work not sure when I'm gonna be out... you?"
Read: Your breath smells like a horse barn and I'm blowing you off.
Desired Answer: "That's okay. I have to cancel, indefinitely. I will now promptly delete myself from your phone."
Truth: I will not let you cancel on me easily. (Groans.)
What happens next: Make sure he doesn't see you grab sushi at the neighborhood spot. This is going to be a slow and painful process of breaking up with someone who you were never really dating.
"It's raining do you still wanna go out?"
Read: Let's stay in and watch Scorsese movies and cuddle with our socks on!
Desired Answer: "Let's stay in and watch Scorsese movies and cuddle with our socks on!"
Truth: I need to get drunk and get myself into someone after. I don't care where this happens or in what order.
What happens next: The art of compromise and "Wolf Of Wall Street."
"Do you think she'll be mad?"
Read: I totally pissed her off and I'm scared.
Desired Answer: "Not at all. You did nothing wrong."
Truth: You messed up really bad. Worse than the time you puked in her hair and told her ex-boyfriend that we all think he's ugly.
What happens next: You remedy that sh*t real fast. Something chocolate wouldn't hurt either.
Read: This is my virtual attempt at flirting.
Desired Answer: "I am obsessed with you. Your name appearing on my screen just gave me a boner that will guarantee the survival of humanity. You are special."
Truth: Don't mess this up. Don't mess this up. Don't mess this up.
What happens next: Things get messy.
"OMG OMG OMG"
Read: I am freaking out like a small child at Toys'R'Us.
Desired Answer: "I know. I tots know."
Truth: I am freaking out as well.
What happens next: Major gossip points. Who doesn't love a good story?
"I'm up for anything"
Read: I want you to take me out like a gentleman and do all of the planning.
Desired Answer: "Great. I took the liberty of planning the entire evening starting with crustaceans from the lobster shack and ending with a private helicopter ride. I've been looking forward to seeing you all day."
Truth: What do you want to do? (Read: I don't have my sh*t together at all.)
What happens next: An awkward exchange about food preferences and neighborhoods until one party finally gives in and suggests a place to meet.
"What are you doing later?"
Read: Ask me to hang out.
Desired Answer: "Taking you to see 'Gone Girl' and then exploring your body with my tongue."
Truth: Doing some manscaping, playing Call of Duty and getting handsy with myself with Adult Swim in the background.
What happens next: History does not repeat itself.
"Did you have a good time last night?"
Read: DID YOU F*CK ANYONE LAST NIGHT?!
Desired Answer: "It was terrible without you. I made zero eye contact the entire time."
Truth: I hit on a few chicks who wouldn't recognize my face and drank more bourbon than you would have tolerated. I peed on the neighbor's dog.
What happens next: All parties go on their merry way.
"Who is going?"
Read: I need to judge whether the crowd is worth my attendance or if I can stay home, watch another episode of "How to Get Away with Murder" and eat my face off until I pass out.
Desired Answer: "Only dudes with girlfriends and closeted warlocks. Stay home."
Truth: You've gotten really lame since you got a boyfriend. You're coming out, no excuses.
What happens next: You go out and you don't regret it.