Everything I Want To Say To The People Who Loved Me During My Depression

by Katie M.
Andrijana Kostova

Unmotivated. Angry. Tired. Irritable. Negative. Sad. Reclusive.

We all have someone in our lives who comes to mind when hearing at least one of those words. For some of us, it's ourselves. There's no warning, or notice, of when or why I feel the way I do, and unfortunately there isn't a reason.

Some days I feel invincible. These are the days where I'm confident, proud, beautiful and fully believe in myself that I can become anything I want to be. Then there come the days come where I become my own worst enemy.

I don't eat a single meal, go outside or even leave my bed, because I would rather sleep to escape the reality that comes with being awake. The physical pain I endure is indescribable and the weight on my shoulders feels as if gravity is 10,000 pounds and is pushing me into the ground.

Running into anyone in public is mortifying and embarrassing because all people focus on are my puffy, wet eyes and my lack of an explanation. On these days life feels pointless and my existence seems utterly worthless. I become irritable and angry, and I blame how I feel on everyone and everything that crosses my path. I'm sorry for these days.

This is a message to all of the people in my life, even those who I've parted ways with, whether it was a result of my weakness or not. I hope this message reaches all of you so that you know I don't mean to become someone I'm not, or to act like nothing is ever enough.

I want to explain to you that it's hard for me to see the reality of who I am, and quite honestly, I don't see what you see in me. Many of you claim to see a bright, funny, beautiful young woman, yet I see nothing but the opposite. In my eyes, every part of me should be more beautiful, smarter, skinnier, different and better.

I have a way of presenting myself as a young woman who has life at her fingertips when in reality I'm suffering on the inside. Each and every day is a battle.

I have leaned on you and turned to you for help, but I now realize I'm the only person who can make me happy. I have acknowledged my weakness and I will continue to fight it for the rest of my life. Although this is a burden of mine, and a huge part of me, it does not determine what I'm capable of.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what I've put you through, and for what I may put you through in the future. All I ask is to please remember who I truly am, and not who my depression makes me, because in the end, you're the reason I'm here and why I've continued to exist in this world with you.

Without you, I would be even more lost -- a hopeless wanderer, helplessly existing. And for that, I may never know how to repay you.

Suffering from depression and anxiety is searching tirelessly for freedom. Freedom for all the moments of life plagued with darkness and despair. You give my feelings validity, even if you don't understand.

Many important people have come and gone and I've finally accepted that, but what I will always remember is that you stayed. When I'm lost and irrational, I'm not the person you know and love.

Thank you for your patience, your compassion, your perspective and your love. Thank you for reminding me that I am remarkable and irreplaceable. But most importantly, thank you for fighting for me when I couldn't fight for myself.