John Mayer is something of an enigma. The guitarist-crooner may have started out as the guy who played all the music you hooked up to during college, but these days he's a little stranger.
After releasing two folksy records, Mayer's gone the route of stars like Shia LaBeouf and James Franco. He does odd things publicly, we all wonder if it's a joke or some kind of art performance, then he carries on.
Remember the weirdly over-the-top single with Katy Perry? It made America collectively uncomfortable, like the couple on your Facebook feed who won't stop posting makeout selfies.
This might be some kind of advanced commentary on the futility of preventing aging, but it's more likely he just drank a full Red Bull and felt boredom kicking in.
After news of his weird beauty tutorial picked up steam, I found myself consumed by the need to know what John Mayer's pampered face feels like.
Natura Bissé was kind enough to send me over four of Mayer's picks, on loan to be sent back like Cartier diamonds. Considering the tiny, white bag contained over $800 of skincare, they practically were.
Like the diligent researcher I am, I toted the bag home on the subway. If I ever get robbed, I'm almost certain idiot male burglars would miss the actual thing worth stealing: Thousands of dollars in beauty samples, stashed all over my apartment.
By dusk, I was ready to get myself in Mayer's mental space. (Do you think he goes to bed at 10 pm, too? Some of us have early morning workouts, OK.) Pulling out my phone, I reviewed his Snap story.
He begins with the $590 Natura Bissé's Diamond Life Infusion, applying directly to the face. Unfortunately for me, that's the one product I couldn't get my greedy paws on — so I had to pass.
I also tried to apply the products the way Mayer recommends (directly from the pump, so none of it soaks into your unworthy finger pads) but that is ludicrously difficult.
If you're reading this, buddy, I know you're a celebrity but you're making things harder for yourself. The cream is still touching your fingers if you're rubbing it in.
When I moved to the next step, moisturizing, the situation went downhill.
Immediate reaction: This man is batshit. I don't care how well he plays the guitar, there's no reason to ever smear eye cream (especially one the relative price of my apartment) on your whole face.
He calls it "really just better facial moisturizer." In other news, he is a big fat liar.
So, 30 seconds into my new life as John Mayer, I rebelled utterly. I put the Diamond Extreme eye cream ($205) under my eyes, tapping it in with my ring finger like a sane human being.
I started in with the C+C Vitamin Complex ($190). It was orangey, pleasant, easy — except Mayer chooses to apply it around his mouth in an "offset smiley." Unless he has a discolored circle around his mouth he's trying to correct, I can't imagine what he thinks he's doing.
Also, that caption says "offest" and he knows it. Stop being so damn lazy, John. The people are counting on you.
Then, it was time to distribute the Diamond Extreme cream (what he calls "some crazy shit") around my face evenly.
Taking a moment to appreciate the sheer luxury of moisturizing my skin with $345 cream (it smelled like money and felt like a baby's bottom), I rubbed it in slowly. Mayer jokingly applies this step with a Q-tip, but when the hell was I ever going to get to try this stuff again? I absolutely took full advantage.
Finally, it was time for the facial spray. Mayer claims this “sets” the other layers, but I seriously question his understanding of how cosmetics and skincare work. It's not drag queen makeup, it's lotion. He's lying to himself.
I spritzed on the Diamond Mist ($92), which was somehow less intimidating than the rest of the products because it came in a plastic bottle. It's meant for freshening the face at any point in the day, but Mayer claims it's “too harsh” for the skin. Pardon?
He recommends misting the air and "head butting it."
That night, I slept like a sweet, pampered heiress. Drifting off to slumberland, it became clear Mayer probably spends more time on his skin than any model he's ever dated or slept with. (Read: A lot of models.)
In the morning, my skin was silky and near-poreless. Money may not buy you happiness, but it sure can purchase vanity. Between Mayer and me, we were content to settle for the latter.
Although I'd set out to try a full week of Mayer's skincare line, I only lasted one more night. Let me tell you, being inside that man's head is exhausting.
While I applied my creams and serums, I agonized over memories of Mayer: That time he said his penis was racist, the time he dated Taylor Swift, the time he recorded “Heartbreak Warfare” and I really hoped he and Jennifer Aniston would get back together.
It wasn't just a skincare routine I ended up trying out for size, it was Mayer's deeply weird mindset. Can $800 of lotion make a fuckboy into a man? Probably not, but maybe this is Mayer's attempt at it.
I'll stick to my bargain buys and self-confidence, thank you very much. Your body is only a wonderland because you're dotting it with diamond cream very slowly.