Between painful sunburn and heinous mosquito bites that itch so bad I scratch until I bleed (not suggested, BTW), I don't even understand why I bother to venture outside in the summer.
Just like how my pasty white skin doesn't burn (it crisps), my mosquito bites are hardly just tiny dots that itch a bit throughout the day.
Due to a most unfortunate allergy, those suckers blow up with insect saliva and take over whatever body part was attacked.
The bad news? Bites f*cking suck.
But the good news is, fortunately, if you run out of antiseptic cream, there's always an alternative lying around the kitchen.
Here are 11 home remedies to soothe that itch you shouldn't scratch when you've practically been eaten alive by mosquitoes.
1. Green Tea Bag
Even if you've never hopped on the green tea train, you'll want a box to remedy bites.
Just like how you might place tea bags under your eyes to reduce swelling, you'll do the same with itchy bumps that blow up before you know it.
2. Coconut Oil
Combat itching with a rub-down of coconut oil over the irritated area.
A thin layer of the pure oil also acts as a protective barrier to prevent environmental stressors from causing infection.
Oatmeal baths are heaven-sent healers.
Similarly to how you'd hop in a tub of ground-up oats to soothe sunburn, this beyond-breakfast grain does the same for irritated mosquito bites.
4. Aloe Vera
I've always used store-bought lotion, but applying the raw gel of the aloe vera plant works as an excellent remedy for mosquito bites that are so itchy they literally keep you up at night.
Naturally comprised of 130 active compounds as well as over 30 amino acids, aloe vera works as an organic antiseptic that soothes the itch ASAP.
Unlike applying honey to large patches of sunburn which, I'd imagine, could get messy and way too sticky for comfort, all you'll need to do for your mosquito bites is apply a simple drip of honey around the bite to curb those pesky itches.
6. Rubbing Alcohol
I can remember being a whiney little kid, crying to my nana about the itchy red spots all over my legs.
She'd wipe my tears and grab a brown bottle of rubbing alcohol, dab a few drops over a cotton ball, and press directly over the bites.
The result? Instant relief (though this definitely isn't a long-term fix, as re-application was necessary throughout the day).
This fresh garnish adds a little something to pasta dishes and Italian everything, but apparently, it can also stop mosquito bite madness in its tracks.
Basil can stop the itch in two ways. The first method requires you to boil two cups of water, and add in half an ounce of dried leaves.
Once cooled, soak a washcloth into the magical brew and apply directly to the bite.
If you have little to no patience to wait for water to boil because, ahem, these damn bites are itchy AF, finely chop the basil leaf, and liberally rub the pieces all over the bite.
I never could tell if applying toothpaste to my acne actually made my pimples shrink, but according to the Farmers' Almanac, toothpaste definitely stops mosquito-bite itch.
At least it's good for something other than, you know, tending to your pearly whites and all.
9. Ice, Ice Baby
Give mosquito bites the cold shoulder by applying an icy compress directly on the itchy area to freeze it out.
Ten points if you don't flinch from the freezer burn.
But, in my mind, if you don't get chills, you're doing it wrong.
If the bite is causing you physical pain, orally take some aspirin.
For itchy situations, form a paste by crushing an aspirin tablet and mixing the powdery substance with water.
Dr. Jessica Wu, MD told Everyday Health that aspirin "contains acetyl salicylic acid, which is anti-inflammatory," which means this remedy may be best if you're looking for a quick fix.
11. Essential Oils
Essential oils like tea tree and lavender contain soothing properties that are both antiseptic and healing.
Save a few drops for emergencies to ensure mosquito bite relief does more than stop the itch.
Your favorite vegetable seasoning does more than spice up a meal.
Turmeric spices up your life, and that includes aiding your mosquito bites back to health.
Combine a sprinkle of turmeric powder and water, and coat the bite completely.
Let the paste dry, and rinse off after an hour to significantly reduce swelling.