As if we weren't already slaves to technology, Apple just went and released another iPhone. So obviously, now, I'm selling everything I own, signing away my first born, and selling all of my organs on the black market to get my hands on this goddamn iPhone because I have no impulse control. Great. Well, anyway, now that this light-up brick that I'm definitely going to break within the first five minutes is out, I bet we're all wondering the same thing: How much does iPhone 8 cost? Well, just know that the price is definitely going to ruin your life.
As if all of us weren't already broke AF and struggling to pay for our groceries (no shortage on avo toast, though, amirite?) the regular iPhone 8 model will start at $699, while the iPhone 8 Plus will be priced at $799. EXCUSE ME, TIM COOK. DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY? ALL MY PAIRS OF UNDERWEAR STILL HAVE HOLES IN THEM.
Anyway, all jokes about how much we all definitely cannot afford this aside (because we're all gonna sell our kidneys on the black market to buy this damn phone anyway), here's some more info on the iPhone 8.
Basically, you can kiss the days of having absolutely no storage goodbye, because our boy Tim and the whole team at Apple are committed to making sure you NEVER have to furiously delete all your favorite photos when your phone pops up with the dreaded "storage full" message. The iPhone 8 will come in a 64 GB model and a 256 GB model, and the iPhone 8 Plus will come in the same models.
Now, I know what you're thinking. "Seriously? More storage? I'm supposed to dropped my entire life's savings for that?" *cue infomercial voice* BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!
Basically, the iPhone 8 and 8 Plus will both utilize wireless charging. Yes, you read that correctly. WIRELESS. CHARGING. No more pesky short phone wire ruining your life. You just have to place all of your new Apple devices on a little charging brick and voila! You can't exactly move it off the brick, so that sucks. But still! No wire! F*ck that wire!
Have I still not convinced you to take out a second mortgage on the house that you don't even have because you can't afford a house in the first place to pay for this new iPhone? Well, what if I told you that in addition to space grey and silver, there was a new ~gold finish~ on the iPhone 8? No, there's no rose gold, because we can't have nice things apparently, but that's OK! This newer gold finish is definitely much, much better, and doesn't look basically the same as the rose gold did.
OK, look. If all of this didn't convince you, firstly, I just wanna say... I feel you. I like food, and my phone can still make phone calls just fine. BUT, there is another new feature that could make this hefty price worth the tears you're crying over it, and it has to do with selfies: Portrait. Lighting. That's right. Apple just gave your phone a built-in LuMee case. But beware, because now, you can't blame sh*tty lighting when the only people that like your Insta selfie are your mom, your best friend, and three of those "get more followers" bot accounts.
Anyway, all I'm saying is, maybe I could stop ordering Seamless every night and actually be able to afford one of these shiny glass money traps. But that would mean I'd have to not order Seamless every night, and TBH, I don't know that I'm willing to make or capable of making that decision.
But if you are, the iPhone 8 and iPhone 8 Plus will be available for pre-order this Friday, Sept. 15, and they will be available for purchase on Sept. 22. Prepare your credit cards, and prepare to sell your kidneys.