Facebook Reactions are officially here, meaning we all have to re-evaluate our FB personas.
Life was a little simpler back on Tuesday. You see, on February 23, 2016, there was a linear way to express to everyone exactly how you felt about any given subject. You'd find a Facebook post, you'd make a snap decision how you felt and then you'd either like it or just move on, scrolling through your feed and, in a way, your life.
Then, we all woke up on February 24 and were suddenly forced to make more in-depth snap decisions. Gone are the days of passive Facebook expression. We now live in the age of having to figure out how we feel and tie it into an exact emotional response, thanks to the addition of Facebook Reactions.
Don't worry, I have your back. Below is a list of 16 scenarios and the proper responses to them. Obviously, these aren't the EXACT posts you'll see on The Book (that's what we call Facebook in the biz, BTW. Also, we all call business "the biz"), but each one tonally fits everything you'll come across.
Think of this list as white bread and different Facebook posts as various fancy breads you see in cool French restaurants like Panera Bread and Au Bon Pain. Like, yeah, every bread tastes a little different, but like, it also all just tastes like bread at the end of the day.
Facebook posts are just weird versions of the same bread.
1. A small miracle happens.
You know those videos where someone finds a sick dog on the road and then nurses it back to life? That's a miracle, but like, it's not as big a deal as the human race finding a cure for polio. So, you can "love" this but also calm down.
2. Some couple has a baby, but it's a weird-looking baby.
Listen, the people know they have a weird baby. Give them a complimentary and subtle "thumbs up" to acknowledge how great being a parent is, and then, move on.
3. The United States lifts the trade embargo on Cuba.
No more trade embargo between America and Cuba?! "WOW" IS RIGHT!
4. Kanye West gets in a Twitter fight with *name literally anybody*.
No, Kanye! Make nice, Kanye! Bad, Kanye!
5. You see a nerd-revenge video of some bully getting the crap kicked out of him.
YEAH! YOU'RE THE BUTT-FACED DORK GOBBLER NOW, BULLY!
6. A large miracle happens.
There's a polio vaccine!?!? "WOW!"
7. Your uncle posts a status with #AllLivesMatter, #NotMyPresident and #Trump2016.
Hear me out! This is the most passive thing you can do in the situation. Your uncle is clearly nuts, and you "liking" his post will show everyone how ironic you can be. Is that *insert your name here* or The Onion? AM I RIGHT?!
8. Kanye West resolves one of his Twitter fights.
"To err is human, to forgive divine." -- Alexander Pope
9. You watch one of those videos where someone makes some crazy food like a Doritos pizza burrito or a cup of deep-fried cake icing.
I'd love to eat this, but I'd also love to have a 32nd birthday.
10. You read a Vaguebook status just saying, “...Today needs to end already.”
You can lecture the person later about how annoying Vaguebooking is. For now, your friend just needs your support through a pre-set Facebook emoji.
11. You see a Vine of a baby giraffe farting.
YESS!!! HAHAHA!!!!! NOW WE'RE COOKIN' WITH FUNNY FIRE!!!
12. You see a homemade, healthy food picture you KNOW probably tastes awful.
This person is clearly fishing for a "wow," but that's not how life works, hombre. Nothing says, "Ohhhh, cooool. Greatttt, we all totally love this picture," more than a nondescript "thumbs up." It might as well be a middle finger for all we care.
13. Your white friend poses during a year abroad with non-white natives.
You HAVE to hit "love" on this one. Anything less than a "love" is racist and makes you a terrible friend. Tiffany spent over four nights in a hotel near that Cambodian village, she deserves this reaction.
14. Dad posts a Facebook photo of himself naked he meant to send to your mom with the caption, "Senator Bigsby is in town, and you KNOW he's going to want to collect his taxes."
Your parents have an active sex life, and THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT!
15. Your cousin meets Jeff Goldblum.
Dr. Ian Malcolm and your cousin? That's a "wow" if I've ever seen one! You probably yelled "wow" in person, so why not give over that same expression in real life?
16. The girl or guy you're crushing on changes his or her status from "in a relationship" to "single."
You're up to the plate, Babe Ruth. He or she is single, and you KNOW he or she is looking for a shoulder to cry on. Nothing like a little compassion emoji to plant those seeds of romance! Go get 'em, tiger!