This Couple Was Arrested For Throwing Pizza Rolls At Each Other

by Zara Barrie
Flickr CC

I've always thought pizza rolls were vile, disgusting snacks made for people who have no loyalty toward traditional, fresh, homemade, HOT pizza.

I was a super snotty kid (now I'm just a super snotty 30-year-old) who scoffed and turned her nose up at the idea of processed, microwaved food. I'm sorry, but I'm one of those annoying pseudo-bohemian chicks who preaches Whole Foods (only to heavily drink liquor and engage in other sinful acts).

Not only that, but I'm also a native New Yorker. Don't screw with my pizza and turn it into a roll. It's disrespectful to my culture. I will totally pizza roll-shame you, and I will go on record and say I would never have sex with anyone who is passionate about pizza rolls. Nah, babe, I'm a five-star, fine-dining restaurant lesbian.

So, on July 4, some couple in Gastonia, North Carolina, were arrested for assaulting each other (which is sad, regardless of how insane the details are) with pizza rolls. GOD BLESS AMERICA.

Samantha Brooke Canipe, just 21, and her boyfriend Brad Scott Beard, 24, wildly threw pizza rolls at one another and are currently in Gaston County Jail because of it. They are each being held on a $2,500 bond for one count of misdemeanor simple assault. She could face up to 30 days in jail, while Beard could receive 60 days in jail.

Honestly, what kind of asshole throws anything, let alone pizza rolls, at his girlfriend? Not only is violence never the answer, but now she also has to explain to her family and friends that her fuckboy boyfriend assaulted her with goddamn pizza rolls.

And YES, maybe she threw them back at him, and maybe she even initiated it. I don't know, and I don't care, to be perfectly honest. My only feeling is this: What kind of man throws food at a woman? Err, what kind of loser boy throws food at a woman?

I'm glad I'm a lesbian, and I'm glad I never liked those disgusting, cheap, nasty, artificial pizza rolls anyway. Also, thank the sweet baby Jesus this Samantha Brooke Canipe is only 21 and can get out of this clearly toxic relationship.

You're too good for him, girl.

Citations: Couple Who Threw Pizza Rolls At Each Other Arrested (Cosmopolitan), Police: Food fight leads to Gastonia couple's Independence Day arrest (Fox 46)