Coachella looks hella dope this year, right girls? Beyoncé is headlining the second day, you get to rock out wearing something that, hopefully, doesn't appropriate cultures and take part in some weird drugs for the first time!
Ah, if only I could remember my first Coachella. I can't, because of said drugs, but I'm sure it was an amazing experience.
Tickets are stupidly expensive so I wouldn't be surprised if you turned to cheaper means like Craigslist.
That said, and as tempting as it is, I am encouraging women to stay far, far away from this creep offering up some free tickets.
Whoa, do you see that? THOSE ARE SOME RED FLAGS.
The ad was written by a 56-year-old man named "Gordon" of West Covina, California. And he's just looking for a "travel companion."
Except old Gordo here has a lot of rules for this road trip.
He starts the ad by explaining a little about himself and the tickets,
Obviously, Gordon has gone through some sort of midlife crisis or mental break. You just don't leave your job as SUPERVISING MANAGER at Soup Plantation, my guy.
Anytime "companion" is used in quotes, you should be worried -- not to mention staying in a motel. Have you never seen an episode of "Law and Order: SVU?!"
If you're still on board with hanging out with this dude, then you have to meet a certain criteria first. He gives the breakdown in an easy-to-follow, absolutely-not-creepy list of 20 demands.
Gordon could literally be your father if you're this age. Are you willing to risk it? I wouldn't.
As I've said earlier, no one is comfortable traveling in one of these things.
OK, this man who is old enough to be your father now wants you to introduce him to what the cool kids are listening to. What are the hot jams?
The closeness of those two demands make me uncomfortable.
I'm starting to notice a foot-theme here, are you?
GORDON CAN PAY FOR VIP TICKETS, BUT HE CAN ONLY PROVIDE BEEF JERKY AND PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICHES?
He is going to leave you in the desert.
I'm going to need a lot of drugs if I'm going to let some dude brush my hair once a day.
Cool, your sugar daddy who only makes peanut butter sandwich will be on your "Instigram," not your Instagram.
What's my motivation, director? "I thought for sure I'd be murdered, but I'm actually having an OK time."
And finally, the last rule:
Honestly, after I analyzed this whole sitch, I think it seems pretty legit. Go ahead, girls. Go enjoy!