Why Does Make-Up Sex Feel So Good? Here’s What Experts Say
One of the only good parts of fighting with your partner is getting to kiss and make up at the end of it. Of course, only after you've worked through the issue that's creating distance between you can you come together again... sometimes literally. But why does make-up sex feel so good? Is it emotional, psychological, or is there actually a biological reason why sex after an argument just seems heightened, more passionate, and extra amazing?
As with all things related to sex, the answer to that question is complicated. It's basically all of the above, yet not true for everyone, as Lola Jean, sex educator and mental health professional, tells Elite Daily. "A lot of individuals think of great sex as passionate, wild, unbridled, full of emotion and intensity. Thank you, mainstream media," says Lola, who adds that it's more subjective than that. "It’s difficult to declare if make-up sex is better. We can look at reasons why make-up sex may be more enjoyable for some, but that also doesn’t mean we should be picking fights to make our sex lives more interesting or better because that does not make for healthy, trusting relationships," she warns. That's why knowing the reason make-up sex feels better for some people is so important. If you can reproduce the conditions for it without having to argue first, everyone wins. Here's what the experts say.
Sex can often feel more passionate after an argument because you are likely in a heightened state of arousal, Elise Schuster, a sexuality educator and founder of the okayso app, tells Elite Daily. “If the fight has just ended, our body is most likely flooded with endorphins. When we’re in this state, we tend to be hyper-aware of our surroundings and more tuned into what’s happening with ourselves and other people, which is great for having amazing sex,” she explains.
It's not just about the endorphins or the energy, says Schuster. The intensity of post-argument emotions can make the sexual experience itself seem even more intense. “We’re not in our baseline-calm state, we’re agitated or stressed,” she says. “Make-up sex can feel more intense because we’re already in that heightened state.”
Make-up sex can also be more pleasurable because of the raised emotional stakes, Jean says. “If you’re just making up with this person, the stakes may be higher. There may be more risk involved. Is this the last time? The last time there is sex? The last time you make-up?" she explains. That fear of losing the person you love can make the experience more intense.
Increased Feelings Of Closeness.
Resolving conflict in a relationship is a way that couples can improve their bond. When you solve a fight, you've just been through something terrible together, so finding that light at the end of the tunnel can make sex feel that much better, sex expert and Good For Her founder Carlyle Jansen tells Elite Daily. "It can provide a release after the buildup of intensity, especially if the fight ended in a resolution with a deepening of emotion or understanding… exposing the vulnerability under the anger,” she explains.
Make-up sex is also a way we reaffirm our connection with our partner, adds Schuster. “The main reason make-up sex feels better is our connection to our partner. When we have a fight, we feel emotionally distant from our partner. When we make up, it can feel like we’re closer than we were even before the fight. This can lead to a more intimate or intense sexual experience,” she says.
So yes, make-up sex is great, but at the same time, it can also come at a great cost to your relationship if you and your partner begin creating disagreements in order to have it. Thankfully, you don't actually have to fight to recreate the heightened arousal and emotion, as Dr. Dawn Michael, relationship expert and certified clinical sexologist, tells Elite Daily. “The stuff that you see in the movies is mostly false, and if you think that picking a fight with your partner just to have great sex is a good idea, well, think again. There are other ways to have passionate sex,” Dr. Michael shares.
Jensen says it’s actually pretty easy. “Rather than cooking up a disagreement just to intensify things, create that energy in a more positive way. Start with a pillow fight, tickle session, wrestle on the bed, competitive card or board game, vigorous exercise or sport, whatever will increase your energy. Then translate that energy into great sex,” she advises. “You will likely have a fabulous sexual experience that won’t give you the emotional hangover that make-up sex often does.”
Make-up sex without the fight? Umm, yes please!