It's late, or it's not. Whatever hour it is, you haven't heard from your hookup in days. Like, a lot of days. Weeks, maybe. If it's been a while, the moment that "Wyd" texts creeps in, it can be hard to think about what it is you really want, before responding "Nothing much, u?" Or any other variation of, "I'm not doing anything, wanna make out?" Maybe it's your arrangement, maybe you only talk when you're planning on hanging out with your casual hookup. Or maybe you're a little more invested in the hookup than they are, so any sign of attention they give you, you jump on (hi, hello, it's me.)
If your hookup isn't communicating well or isn't putting you and your needs first, it can be hard to break the cycle of them waiting too long between texts and you changing your plans to accommodate them when they finally ask to hang. We don't want to seem clingy or needy or any other (sexist) words women typically fear we'll get called if we ask for clarity or express basic needs like, "um, text me back."
There's nothing wrong with casual hookups, with not knowing "what you are," or with having sex just because you want to have sex. Maybe, you have a healthy dynamic with loose structure in which your communication is good, and it's just literally casual. However, if you're finding your hookup isn't treating you like the angel that you are, there's also nothing wrong with saying "I'm actually busy tonight" (even when you don't really have plans.)
In fact, here's are 21 things to do instead of hanging out with your casual hookup.
Or things you're good at or things you want to do in your lifetime. This sounds cheesy, and whatever, maybe it is, but it's a good skill to be able to recognize your strengths and goals, and to feel validated because of your own accomplishments.
Call your best friend, call your tattoo artist. Call someone who loves you, who you haven't talked to in a while. Call for a pizza.
I will say it 'till I die, Goodwill Karma is real. When you give good stuff away, you'll start to find some finds for a nice price yourself.
I recently moved and didn't know how to work the TV for the first two months. But I figured it out, baby. And someone's roommate's sister's boyfriend's old Hulu is linked up which means I can watch all the housewives on a real TV whilst reclining on a couch, and not hunched over my computer like a small gremlin.
Books can be decorative. They can also be conversation starters. They can also be coasters.
"You coulda had a bad b*tch, non-committal / Help you with your career / just a little" Bless.
Go to a museum or a bar or that store you passed by one day that looked interesting. Go do something by yourself, or with a pal! Make friends with the barista, wear a kookie outfit.
My version of How to Loose a Guy in 10 Days, would be How To Lose a Band Guy in 10 Seconds and would involve me saying I don't know who Arthur Russell is, then asking if they like "indie bands" like Mumford And Sons.
In the shower! In the bed! On the couch! Touch your bod! Maybe masturbating is not your thing, that's okay! Do something nice for yourself, like taking a bath or doing a face mask. But it can be really cool to spend time getting to know your own body, and seeing how that feels.
Like, try to touch your toes. It's probably been a while since you intentionally did that.
I know it's been a while since you've done that. Clean sheets are a simple luxury.
Deep-condition your hair. Do something for your body that's fun, but isn't as long-lasting as a shaved head or as permanent as a new tattoo.
Or shave your head and get a new tattoo (literally me last fall). Life itself isn't permanent, grandma! (Me, last fall, to my grandma.)
Or a veggie broth? Make something that takes sooo long to make and demands a million ingredients. Bake cookies. Cook dinner for you roomies.
Flossing is so good for you and then you also feel good because you know when your moody a*s dentist is about to get on their high horse about flossing you can be like — thank you, next.
It can be like kinda sneaky and lonely, and you're probably the only person who is there alone, but you get to be in this space in the dark and you get to eat whatever snacks you want and sit wherever you want.
Honestly, you get such an intimate experience with the movie you're seeing. It feels like it's just you in the theater.
I do this most nights. Do what you normally do most nights. You don't have to change your life around you, all because of one lousy hookup.
The other night when I was having this very "...do I go over there?" dilemma, my best friend said it, well, the best. "Honestly, he's a f*ckboi, but I support whatever you do and I don't want you to feel like you can't tell me if you go over, or that you shouldn't have fun or have sex because you want to."
If someone really isn't treating you well, it's okay to not want to hang out for whatever reason — even for no reason at all. But it's also okay to have sex even when you know someone isn't really relationship material. You're allowed to make whatever decision feels right for you.
Whether you're happily boo'd up, or happily DTF with whoever, taking time for yourself is important. If you find you're always the one reaching out or changing your own plans, maybe spending the night in, when that "come over" message lights up your screen, is a good little break.
Or maybe you can have it all, listen to Lizzo, do a face mask, and still get a little frisky — all on your own time.
