This Is What Your Horoscope Would Look Like If Your Astrologer Had A Bad Day

We all have bad days. All of us. We still show up for our jobs, and we do them. But that doesn't mean we do those jobs well. I mean, some of us just don't know how to handle our emotions. It takes years of practice restraining ourselves just to pass as a stable human being, and even then we live in fear that one day we'll blow our top, say too much, and ruin everything. As an astrologer, I write horoscopes, but that doesn't mean I'm always pouring my best into everything I do. I have bad days, and bad days are when I get the honest horoscopes. This article just shows you what it looks like when your astrologer is having a bad week — i.e., sh*t's about to get brutally honest up in here.

Some of us are born with good parents who teach us how to handle ourselves. These people just seem like they were born with some kind of handbook for life. Some adults are just better at well, adulting, than others, and to deny that is to live in a world where banks are built of candy and we all trade bags of non-addictive heroin for currency. I think we can agree on one thing: It's better to have your doctor be someone who knows how to do his job on a bad day. The more important your job, the higher the stakes when you fuck up. But when your astrologer is having a bad week, like I f*cking am, it's fine for her to pop off. So here are your dumb horoscopes, you f*cking sheep (yes, these are all a joke).

Aries

Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Your power is infinite, which is probably why you spend so much time wasting all of it arguing in the YouTube comments section. Get out of your house for Christ's sake.

Taurus

You could meet someone of romantic interest today who you connect with on a soul level but who is years older than you. "Age is just a number," they'll say, and that is how you'll know: They are probably a pervert.

Gemini

You might be inspired today to go outside your comfort zone. You might even entertain an outfit you never thought of. Checkered pants? Velvet leggings? These are all a terrible idea.

Cancer

You may come down with a severe case of FOMO, wondering if everyone's out having fun without you, but you're just being insecure. They're home alone, avoiding the task of having fun with you, because you're awful.

Leo

The ball is in your court this week Leo! Unfortunately, the court has a judge, a jury, and the ball is attached to a chain. You are going to jail.

Virgo

"Every cloud has a silver lining," is something you'll want to remember this week, even though there's no factual basis to this idiom. But it's something you can say when things are going really sh*tty. Which they are.

Libra

Libra, you dance like no one is watching, this week and every week. Honestly, it's a skill. You're like, shamelessly the worst dancer anyone's ever seen.

Scorpio

Happy birthday! Remember, it's not the years in your life, but the amount of money you're making that truly determines your worth.

Sagittarius

When you love someone, set them free; that's your motto. You adopted this philosophy from your dad, who abandoned you emotionally.

Capricorn

You've made a lot of progress by not eating junk food! Now, focus on the real issue: You've replaced all that junk food by eating.... glue? What kind of freak are you? Get help.

Aquarius

Listen to your gut this week; it tells you everything you need to know, just like all your unanswered texts. Seriously, nobody likes you.

Pisces

"Distance makes the heart grow fonder," especially when the person you are dating cannot stand what a f*cking emotional vampire you are.