Crazy Bedroom Moves Your Boring Taurus Boyfriend Probably Won't Try

by Rosey Baker

Before you even start in on me re: this headline with some story about how you once slept with a Taurus who really rocked your world in the sack, let me say this: Everyone's got something to prove the first time they sleep with you. The first time is always passion, popped buttons, and ripped shirt sleeves, but a Taurus in bed is a lot like popping a Xanax; you might as well just go to sleep. But hey, relationships are hard. Sometimes, you have to put in that extra effort. Sometimes you have to go to the store, crack open a Cosmo mag and seriously read up on those blow job tips you're not interested in actually trying, just because love is a hell of a drug.

Sometimes, you have to make an effort, go the extra mile, buy the extra guac. These are the things we do for love. Because the future — your future — depends on it. So here are a few crazy, inspiring, life-altering sex moves you can try in the bedroom to make your Taurus boyfriend say, "Absolutely never."

Worse comes to worst, just remember that true love is accepting someone for who they are. Just don't say I didn't f*cking warn you.

The Waterfall

Here's a crazy fun one that'll make you feel like a queen sitting on a throne made of dick, while he gets to lay back and do his favorite thing, which is nothing. It's a compromise. You get to be worshipped, while he lays there like an idiot. Everyone is happy and in their natural element.

Downside: Could result in a fight where he complains about the blood rushing to his head, and you tell him that's the whole point of the position, and you both start recounting the time you left Disney World early because he said it was "too magical."

Try Some Bilingual Dirty Talk

Taurus isn't all that great at shaking things up, but they are a very sensual sign, so stimulate their ear-holes with a little dirty talk. If you're bilingual, try that, because hearing it in English could get them stuck in their heads, and that's terrible for everyone. They might be more inspired to talk back to you if they don't understand a word you're saying.

Don't expect their replies to be all that creative, though. You'll most likely get a couple "ums" and "aws" in before you give up on this whole operation.

Stairway To Heaven

If you live in New York City and have a stairway in your apartment, you probably live off of a six-figure salary. If you live like a normal person in the world, you've probably got more stairs than you know what to do with! So do this with those extra stairs: F*ck. On. Them.

This is one of those positions you won't even have to do a whole pitch for. Next time he slaps your bum on the stairway or just cups an asscheek, you can just bend on over and make him try this until he complains about his quads getting tired, which he will.

Make Him Tell You The Stories Behind His Scars Until You Nut

If all else fails, and it probably will, take one night with your stubborn ass Taurus to just connect. If there's one thing Taurus can handle, it's sappy emotionality.

They every bit as emotional and sentimental as you are horny and unsatisfied, so my last idea is a real shot in the dark here, but if you scan your Taurus' naked bod asking him the story behind each and every scar, you might come across one that he got in a really badass way... probe for details, ask him if he was scared, let him play the big shot, and if your imagination is lit, you could just climax before his story ends.