A Breakup Coach Gets Really Real About If It's OK To Text Your Ex On V-Day

Originally Published: 

Valentine's Day is around the corner, and it's arguably one of the most intense times of the year when it comes to dating, relationships, and romance. There can be a lot of pressure surrounding this holiday, no matter your relationship status. The thing is, there is no perfect way to celebrate this holiday, and you're under no obligation to do so. If the upcoming love-fest is triggering memories of past relationships, you might be wondering if you should text your ex on Valentine’s Day. The short answer, according to Trina Leckie, breakup coach and host of the podcast breakup BOOST, is that you should think carefully before sending any messages.

If you're debating whether or not you should text your ex, it could help to examine your motivations for doing so. If you have some unresolved feelings or are missing them, it could help to discuss it with a friend, according to Leckie. If your motivations are simply to wish them well or tell them that you appreciate them, then it could be a nice message to send. Make sure that you don't have high expectations for their response though. Valentine's Day is a particularly sensitive and emotional day for some people, and even if you and your ex are on great terms, they may need space on a holiday all about romantic feelings.

The main way to figure out if this would be OK is if you and your ex have developed a respectful and kind dynamic after your breakup. If you talk often already, it can be a simple message of caring or appreciation for them. If you ended things badly, and there may still be hurt feelings, Leckie recommends against reaching out. When you're tempted to text an ex on Valentine's Day, it's crucial to consider the context of your breakup and current terms.

Westend61/Westend61/Getty Images

If you text your ex on V-Day, and you aren't on great terms, there's a risk that your ex may think that you want them back or are trying to get them back, Leckie tells Elite Daily. "Especially if the person who you are texting is feeling down or lonely because it is Valentine’s Day." It can, however, be a simple gesture of goodwill and in that case it may be a welcome sentiment. The hard part is figuring out how your ex might interpret it.

In my experience, I have been struggling with an ex that continues to contact me, after I have requested that she never speak to me again. I know firsthand how important it is to respect boundaries. It really hurts to have them crossed. I have other exes, though, that I now consider great friends, and I'd love to receive a sweet message of goodwill from them on V-Day — so the context just really depends.

It's actually pretty normal to consider texting your ex on Valentine's Day, though, because exes can be a big part of our lives even if they're not our partners anymore. Gisele, 23, tells Elite Daily, "There is always that lingering feeling that maybe they will text me or that maybe I should [text them] because I really did care about them a lot."

An ex can be a significant part of your life and past, and it makes sense that your tempted to reach out on a holiday that celebrates close personal relationships. There's good news: The temptation is likely to pass after Valentine's Day is over. You could always consider waiting a a day or two after the holiday to see if the desire to text them is still there, and if it is, then you know that you aren't solely motivated by Valentine's Day.

If you and your ex aren't on great terms, Leckie recommends that you prioritize other relationships in your life on this holiday so that you aren't solely focusing on memories of your ex. "Do something special for a friend or family member to brighten their day instead. It will be more appreciated and not carry any risk of pain for you or your ex," she says.

It makes sense that feelings surrounding a past relationship might come up for you on Valentine's Day. If you and your ex are on good terms and in a friendly place, it might be sweet to send them a message that you are thinking of them. Many people remain on a friendly basis with their exes and that's a valid option as long as both partner's are respectful and kind towards each other.

No matter who you end up reaching out to, it's awesome that you're taking the time to make people in your life feel appreciated.

This article was originally published on