See If You're On This List Of 9 Most Hilarious Craigslist Missed Connection Posts Of All Time

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Craigslist is like the internet version of Walt Disney World... just with way less expensive merchandise and a few more potential murderers. But that doesn't mean it can't make dreams come true! Particularly if those dreams come in the form of rent-controlled sublets, already assembled IKEA dressers, or Missed Connections.

In case you're unfamiliar, the Missed Connections section is exactly what it sounds like: a place for Craiglist users to post free personal ads looking for that special someone whose name or number they never caught. In a perfect world, it would lead to everyone finally getting together with the charming stranger on their subway car and living happily ever after, like something out of a '90s rom-com (probably starring Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks). And while some posts read like the opening of a romantic novel, others (OK, the majority) are a little more sexual — like, you know, this person who gave a hand job to a stranger at an NFL game?

We've rounded up nine of the most hilarious and absurd Craigslist Missed Connections from coast to coast, just in case you happen to be that eye-patch-and-silver-sneaker-wearing cutie (I'm really hoping you are)...

This woman who may or may not have been kissed by a ninja.

There I was, taking a walk near the CCSU campus this gorgeous first day of the autumn season.The sun was shining, the birds were chirping and a soft breeze rippled gently through the trees with leaves just starting to turn...Out of the corner of my eye, I glimpsed a dark shadow that crossed my path, approximately 5'9" in height. The shadow blocked out the sun for the briefest moment in time, as I felt a slight pressure on my lips.I think I was kissed by a ninja. I know this is a long shot, but I'm hoping to find you.

I think I was kissed by a ninja... - W4M

This brunette with nothing but regret and Tuscan kale.

I was the blue-eyed brunette in black leggings who asked you if Trader Joe's was still selling collard greens on Sunday, June 26. While you checked in the back, I texted my roommate about the 'adorable produce guy at TJs.' You reported back to me the bad news; then while I decided on my alternate, you arranged all those greens — the kale, the romaine, the spinach, the micro-greens — in the most immaculate formation I have seen. It was artistry of the type I see in pine cones. When I finally decided on the kale, I clumsily knocked another bag down with it and you had it picked up and put back in half of the blink of an eye. Then I ran away — just me, my regret, and my organic Tuscan kale.

Immaculate Produce at Trader Joe's 6/26 - W4M

This woman who just wants you to have that beer, baby.

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This afternoon, you pulled up Bayou Beer Garden in your kayak just to grab a cold one. You sir, are the man of my dreams. You're not the kind of guy who just throws in the towel on perfectly good day off. No! You're the kinda man that grabs the bull by the horns and carpes the sh*t out of the diem. Have that beer baby. You deserve it. While airbnbers cower in their shotguns, awaiting word from the national guard, you sir, glide through the streets like a gondolier in the canals of Venice; a beacon of hope and comfort during these post K times. I don't care where you may be from because you are a true New Orleanian and a real man! Your photo will go down in infamy. And when it does, remember who truly loved you first. This girl. Oh, and is that a mullet? Sexy.

Man of my dreams! - W4M

This metallic-sporting pirate type.

This naked 30-something with a few good teeth.

It was a magical experience if ever I've had one. Walking up and down the back alleys looking for something, anything, to make me feel alive and I noticed some old thrown out adult DVD covers in the dumpster of a local store. I couldn't believe my luck but knew that with the clothes on my back being my only possessions in the world that I couldn't risk soiling them. I removed my exterior garments and jumped into the metal bin to begin digging for treasures of a masturbatory nature. That's when I stood up and saw you there holding your trash bags. It was obvious that you weren't expecting me as you took out the daily trash from your work. You were standing there looking perplexed yet intrigued and there I was wearing nothing but sneakers, standing in your dumpster while holding placards of all the dirtiest new adult DVD releases. Oh it was a sight to behold. Your eyes meet mine and there was an awkward silence before you turned and walked the other way. I am sure you felt the same thing I did. You were the porn store employee wearing the yellow shirt, I believe you are the manager. I was, of course, the naked 30 something with a few good teeth. Please respond ASAP...

Naked dumpster diver - M4M

This subway romance.

This guy who's just looking for his Pizza Princess.

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Absolutely 0% chance you see this.....But if you do....I wasn't kidding or exaggerating, you are THE MOST beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life. Message me back with the name of the pizza place and the color jacket I was wearing if you want to talk.

Pizza Princess - M4W (Boston North End)

This person who seems to be looking for the OG Hot Chick.

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We met about 20 year ago at Riches in San Diego. I came up and visit you in LA the following weekend and you picked me up from the train station. You went by the name of Rob and I believe your last name was Schneider. I have been searching for you. If anyone knows him, please direct them to this ad. Thank You!

ISO R Schneider from 20 year ago - M4M (LA)

This person who might have scratched your back (for no more than 10 seconds).

We were strangers in the 27th row on a flight from Seattle. We didn't even exchange hellos. You seemed queasy and kept putting your head on the seat in front of you. I was high on cold medication and decided you needed a back scratch. We both realized what was happening, but it was too late. I scratched your back in an affectionate manner for at least five seconds, and no more than ten. I patted your back awkwardly at the conclusion of my back scratch and then pretended to be asleep. If you're reading this, I'm sorry.

I gave you an accidental back scratch

Oh, and if anyone happens to catch a Missed Connection in London looking for "that girl singing Justin Bieber to herself on the train," feel free to send them my way.

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