Verbal affirmations are incredibly important to me. I once told this to a (now ex) partner over eggs at an old-people diner, and I was told in return that I was "regressive" for wanting to be complimented (puke). It's not always easy to express your needs: emotional, physical, and especially sexual. If your partner doesn’t like cuddling after sex and non-sexual physical touch after sex is important to you, it can feel impossible to talk about it. Like asking for more verbal affirmations, asking your partner to engage in more non-sexual physical touch can be a process. Yet you never need to feel bad for advocating for yourself within your relationship.
"We are always allowed to ask for what we need and discuss needs with our partners — ours and theirs. What we are not allowed to do is force, coerce, or demand," Relationship and Wellbeing Coach Shula Melamed MA, MPH says. "We need to start evaluating when our needs are not being considered or there isn't even a space for conversation about them. All parties should feel safe, comfortable, acknowledged and stimulated."
Melamed shared a few ways to advocate for post-sex cuddling, when our partners would rather hug and roll.
It's totally natural to want to cuddle after sex. It's also natural to want your own space after being intimate. Melamed attests that the best way to share our needs it to be direct.
"Ask for it! For some reason we think that our partner should just know what we need, crave, desire and if they don't there is something wrong or you are not being understood," Melamed says. "This is a recipe for disappointment, disaster and unnecessary fighting. Being open and honest about what we need might initially feel strange but when you do you are setting yourself and your partner up for success."
If you're afraid that your partner will think you're being too "needy," it's important to remember: Humans have needs. Your comfort, safety, and wellbeing are the most important thing in any relationship. If there is something you need more of, like cuddling or spooning after sex, it's OK to directly ask for it and to share how important post-sex spooning is to you.
If you know your partner, like, really hates cuddling, it can feel even more difficult to ask for some snuggle time. Figuring out how much cuddling feels right can take some back and forth, but knowing how to initiate the conversation can help.
"Set up the request by first telling them what is so good about the sex and how cuddling for a little bit after would be such a great addition to the entire experience," Melamed says. "Don't set it up in a way that you are accusing them of having deficits, being uncaring or should know what you would like to experience after sex."
Starting the conversation with verbal affirmations (wink) or even sexy talk, can make your partner feel valued when you bring up your needs. If your partner isn't the cuddly type, try addressing cuddling as a sexy and fun addition to your already banging sex life — not as something that is lacking.
If you've tried to cuddle in the past and your boo hasn't seemed into it, try talking to them about where they're at. There may be a reason they don't like to cuddle after having sex.
"If they don't love cuddling after see if there is a reason for it such as they get too hot and they need their body temperature to go down," Melamed says. "Some people might need a minute. Don't think that it will never happen or that you can't make the first move."
If your partner needs some personal space after sex, think of ways you can incorporate cuddling after some cool down time. If your partner gets too hot after sex, maybe suggest taking a cold shower together, or eating ice cream in bed. As long as consent and communication are key players, you can totally make the first move.
If your partner hates cuddling, and you feel you need more non-sexual touch after sex, it's OK to be direct and ask for it. When setting up the convo, reaffirming your partner and complimenting the sex that you're already having can be a productive way to start to reach a compromise. It's important to remember: Having needs does not make you "needy," nor does advocating for yourself. You're strong, smart, and resilient. If it feels good to get your snug on after you get it on — you're allowed to say so.
