Knowing what's going on in your partner's daily life is a normal part of most relationships, but if you feel like you always need to know where your partner is at every waking moment, you might want to ask yourself why. Since every relationship is different, it only makes sense that personal boundaries vary from person to person, so how often you check in with your SO is part of the unique dynamic that defines your partnership. However, there is a difference between wanting to be kept in the loop and constantly obsessing over your partner's whereabouts.
According to NYC-based relationship expert and love coach Susan Winter, it's OK to ask about logistical details that involve making plans or staying in touch. But if you're tracking their movements like a hawk, it might mean you don't feel as secure in the relationship as you may think you do. "Wanting to know your partner's whereabouts in order to stay in the loop is based on logistical concerns, but needing to know your partner's every move is micromanagement," Winter tells Elite Daily. "The need to restrict your partner or dictate their schedule of activities is not healthy behavior. It's repressive, and leads to an erosion of affection."
Often, the reason someone might want to know where their partner is and what they're up to at every moment might be due to being suspicious of some sort of dishonesty or infidelity. If you're feeling insecure and having doubts about whether or not you can trust your SO, Winter recommends asking yourself if your insecurity is truly valid.
"You may have a valid concern if your partner has a wandering eye and history of inappropriate flirtation," explains Winter. "Is your partner a micro-cheater? Have they given you reason to be suspicious? If so, then your need to keep tabs on them stems from issues within the relationship."
Unfortunately, no matter how much you love someone, it's hard to keep a relationship moving forward if you don't trust each other. That said, our past experiences definitely have an impact on how we handle current situations. According to Winter, it could be that you're letting baggage from the past seep into the present. "Have you had a history of infidelity? Do you believe that all partners cheat and it's just a matter of time until yours does as well?" asks Winter. These are a questions helicopter partners should consider.
Once you've zeroed in on the source of your insecurity, it's important to address the issue head-on, notes Winter, so that it doesn't result in unnecessary damage or drama. That might mean having a dialogue with your partner about trust and ways you can both improve this aspect of your partnership. However, if your lack of trust is connected to questionable behavior on their end, then Winter suggests you think about whether this relationship is one you even want to be in at all.
"If you don't trust them, all your micromanagement and keeping tabs is a fool's errand," says Winter. "Admit to yourself that your partner is untrustworthy. Ask if this is the type of relationship you want. Do you want to be in a continual state of worry? Is anyone worth that type of anxiety?"
At the end of the day, it's up to you and your partner to set healthy boundaries that work for your relationship. If keeping constant tabs on each other is OK with both of you, then Winter says it might not really be a deal-breaker, and that's great! But if the reason you're keeping tabs has to do with deeper relationship trust issues, don't be afraid to seek outside help and talk to a therapist.