Watch out! Here come the Instagram memes about National Singles' Awareness Day. If, like me, you'd rather delete all your social media apps, Meghan Markle-style, than have to scroll through these painfully monotonous posts, I've got just the experiment for you. I asked people on dating apps to be my Valentine so I wouldn't be stuck at home on Feb. 14 and I'm pretty sure I have at least three dates now.
TBH, I had no real plan going into this other than greeting my matches with a hilariously aggressive, "Hi, will you be my Valentine?" The rest was up to them. Unsurprisingly, a lot of my potential Valentine's Day dates wanted to know exactly what the role entailed before agreeing, but I just took that to mean they were risk-averse and, obviously, not much fun.
The real winners were the ones who jumped in blind, you know, the same way you'd approach any other adult decision. I mean, within seconds of swiping right, these guys were ready to gift me top-shelf chocolates and fresh roses and it's rude to refuse a gift, yes? Yes.
After a couple hours of swiping, I'd narrowed it down to four contenders and one alternate.
Pat was the first guy I matched with on my quest and he didn't waste any time. He immediately sent me an Anchorman GIF that read, "I'm kind of a big deal," to let me know what he was all about. I liked his confidence so I followed up with my question of the day.
Upon request, I explained that the job requirements were pretty standard — flowers, chocolates, and romantic comedies. Some guys might have been scared off by that, but not Pat. He was ready to put a ring on it (or at least sign a contract, which is kind of the same thing).
I wanted a little more time to check out the competition so I told Pat my people would be in touch. But he wanted nothing to do with my bureaucracy. He sent me his number and told me to get in touch with him directly.
I wasn't sure anyone would top Pat's go-getter approach to Valentine's Day until I swiped right on Ryan. Unlike Pat, he didn't seem to care what was in it for him, which I very much appreciated. He responded affirmatively and enthusiastically when I asked him to be my Valentine. Move to the front of the line, Ryan!
Just when I thought Ryan couldn't impress me more, he let me know that he would do whatever I wanted him to do on Valentine's Day. Um, hi, Fifty Shades franchise, do I have a pitch for you?!
Team-player that he is, Ryan didn't stop there.
By the end of our first conversation, he was already calling me "babe." Now, I just have to let him know that my ideal Valentine's Day date is a Parisian picnic near the Eiffel Tower. He did say wherever I want to go!
You know when you've had a series of good days and you just sense the next one is going to be miserable because, statistics! Stephen was that miserable day, the dark cloud in my blue skies of Pats and Ryans.
I asked Stephen to be my Valentine (the usual) and he assumed that I was trying to sell him "premium videos." Think what you want of that but I'm pretty sure this takes Stephen out of the running. Something tells me we have very different tastes in movies.
Alex was like a breath of fresh air. Simple, casual and emoji-friendly.
He thought it was a little odd that I was already thinking of Valentine's Day but I thought it was equally as odd that he didn't even know when Valentine's Day is. So, we're even.
At first, Tahrim was a total gentleman.
He agreed to be my Valentine in the most polite way but didn't really seem to be into the holiday.
Maybe it was because I'd talked to Tahrim after a long day but things got really honest really quickly. I explained that I liked most holidays because I love any good reason to celebrate and he concluded this meant I was an overall happy person. No need to go back to my therapist.
To be clear, he suspected that I wasn't who I said I was. If I were any good at catfishing people on the internet, Tahrim, I'd have a Valentine by now. But thanks for the idea?
And so the search continues...
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