How To Tell Your Partner You Want A Threesome, Because It Can Get Complicated

Sex is so, so personal, and there's no wrong way to enjoy sex, as long as it's consensual. But, if you're in a committed relationship and you want to mix things up, you might be curious about how to go about it all. For instance, if you've been craving a new experience, like bringing a third person into the bedroom, you're probably wondering how tell your partner you want a threesome. And honestly, it can get complicated, so don't worry if you're freaking out about it. That's totally understandable.

Obviously, having a threesome should be fun, but there are definitely things you need to consider first. According to Courtney Cleman, relationship and sex expert and founder of The V Club, you and your partner should have an honest conversation before diving right in. "Threesomes, or any form of an open relationship, require setting precise ground rules around what, when, where and how these sexual activities will take place," Cleman tells Elite Daily. "Avoid[ing] jealousy and other negative feelings that could arise after a threesome requires a higher degree of transparency and communication than a monogamous arrangement. Couples should consider doing soul-searching around if they are capable of complete openness before contemplating a threesome."

So, how do you have that conversation?

First, test the waters.

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You probably aren’t too sure about how your partner will react to your threesome proposition. So, act respectfully. According to Dr. Martha Tara Lee, relationship counselor and clinical sexologist, it's important to try and gauge your partner's comfort level with threesomes before you suggest it outright.

"You could broach this topic [the] same way you bring up other potential sensitive topics — with a spirit of inquisitiveness, curiosity, vulnerability, and openness," she tells Elite Daily. "The point is to approach as discussion rather than 'informing' or 'telling' your partner." Ask them, "Have you ever done a threesome? Have you ever thought of doing one? What might it take for you to consider having one? Would you ever want to have one with me?" Lee recommends.

So start slowly, and tread carefully.

If that doesn’t work, though, make a threesome sandwich.

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OK, so that sounds totally weird, but the way Cleman described it makes total sense. Sort of like how you would ask your parents for money in college by complimenting your mom’s hair, then asking for money, then telling them how much you love them.

"You could start by telling your partner how much you love them and enjoy your intimacy, then mention that you would like to elevate your intimacy even more by sharing a new experience of having a threesome," she says. "Finish making the sandwich by reiterating how much your relationship means to you and how much you love your sex life together."

So by trying the sandwich method, you may get your wish.

If they still aren’t into it, talk it out.

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You can't force anyone into having a threesome if they don't want to, period. But, if your partner isn't explaining their adverse reaction to the idea, then it's totally OK to suss it out.

"If your partner doesn’t want a threesome, you may wish to ask why — but do ask from a place of wanting to learn more about your partner rather than one of trying to manipulate your partner to do what you want," Lee says. "If you can understand the concerns or apprehensions of where your partner is coming from, you could potentially address them." That isn't to say you should force it, but if your partner is worried about you being too into the other person, then talk it out and assure them you wouldn't be. This is about you expanding your desires, and you need to be honest with each other.

If it still isn’t happening, spend some time reflecting.

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If your partner does not want to have a threesome, but you can't stop thinking about trying it out, consider reflecting on why you want to have a threesome. "Make sure that your desire for a threesome is a need that you would like to act out in real life rather than a fantasy that may prove to be fleeting," Clemen advises. "There is an essential distinction between the two and I would recommend sleeping on this idea for some time, no pun intended, before broaching the topic with your partner."

Plus, if you delve into why you actually want to have a threesome, then your partner might be more understanding of your desires. Threesomes are a unique experience, and they aren't for everyone. But, if you're considering having one, you need to talk about it with your partner, and then go from there.

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