Confession: I was once the queen of drunk texts. Up until the ripe old age of 28, I could've easily been voted "mostly likely to send a weird and/or sassy drunk text" of my imbibing, text-happy friend group. Let me be clear: That is not a superlative to boast about. Let me be even more clear: Those drunk texts didn't go to my friends, they went to men that I dated. Once I got to be closer to 30 than 25, I decided that I needed to learn how to stop sending drunk texts. (Um, better late than never?)
Why was I ever allowing my tipsy, uninhibited self within a three-foot radius of my phone? It was like letting a toddler wield a knife. A small person with a lack of impulse control coupled with a tool with the ability to harm others is a guaranteed sh*tshow for all parties involved. Self-sabotage: so hot right now, right? NOPE.
Here's a not so hot take: alcohol makes people do dumb things. While drunk texting is preferable to drunk driving, it's still extremely immature and can be harmful. Drunk texting is also incredibly mortifying. Waking up to see four "why you suchhhhhh as asshoke?" texts in a row to someone who truly wasn't being an assh*le (or asshoke, for that matter) really has the power to make you feel like a crazy person.
Looking back, I can't understand why I love to drunk-convict the men I dated. Did I just need attention? Probably. Had I just noticed that bae started following a pretty woman on Instagram while on a business trip? Absolutely. Was I projecting all of my insecurities onto a person I genuinely liked? For sure.
This bad habit had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with the people I dated. Even if I'd only had a few adult beverages, I was the ultimate tipsy "snowflake" — more easily triggered by a slow response to a text message than our president is triggered by CNN programming.
Even if your "oopsie" when it comes to sending drunk texts is less "dramatic proclamation," and more "scintillating nude," it's still not a great look. If you're reading this article, you're admitting that you have a bit of a problem when it comes to sending drunk texts to your SO. Here's how to stop doing it:
1. Don't Get Too Drunk
Like, duh. (Are you starting to see how sassy my drunk texts get?) OK, so I am not a licensed therapist or substance abuse counselor, but logic says that if drinking is negatively impacting your life, you should take a look at your relationship with booze. (I know, bummer.) Here's the thing: I love margaritas. I enjoy getting my buzz on with friends. It's usually a blast.
I also know at least 20 people who have sent embarrassing drunk texts who don't necessarily have a drinking problem. However, if you're lashing out — or sending unsolicited X-rated sexts — when you're really hammered, maybe stop doing that? Just a thought. Eating meals before going out and drinking water between alcoholic bevs helps.
2. Put Your Phone Away
In an ideal world, you could get drunk, be on your phone, and feel no impulse to text your S.O. asking what the eff he's up to because you saw Bobby's Snap of a wild "Saturdays are for the boys" tailgate. But alas, 2017 is not an ideal world, and you might just need to go offline while you're getting lit to quiet your trigger fingers.
If you can't control yourself from reaching into your purse for your phone, try putting it on airplane mode for night. Or giving it to a friend. This way, you can focus on actually enjoying your friends' company, rather than posting on Instagram. Plus, it's fun to challenge those millennial stereotypes.
3. Block Yourself From Sending Drunk Texts
There's an app called "Drunk Mode" that allows you to block certain contacts for a specified amount of time — the only way you can contact them is by solving a challenging math problem. Not sure how well this works, but hey, anything is worth a try to avoid the shame of sending an undecipherable iMessage.
4. Tell Them How You Feel Sober
Whether you are texting an ex, a serious SO, or a new person in your life, if you are sending drunken, not-so-nice texts, there's probably something you want to share with your partner that you haven't yet. The things that we do while drinking are things we usually want to do sober, but haven't worked up the confidence to do yet.
I'll get real with you: my worst drunk texts were to someone I spent months (years) dating without getting the boyfriend-girlfriend title that I wanted. I never brought it up to him in real life, because I wanted to be a "chill girl" and wound up lashing out after three (four) margaritas regularly. Hot tip: this did not make him want me more.
5. Break Up With Them
I was lucky because the people I did the worst drunk-texting to were understanding about it. The guy I never made it official with was empathetic — he knew why I was lashing out. He was having his cake and eating it too. Now for a bit of a melodramatic generalization: if a person is inspiring you to send drunk texts that you don't want to be sending — mean or sexy — then you are not in a healthy relationship. If the texting keeps happening, it might be time to take a break.
Now, this advice is all from my own experience — an occasional loving drunk text can actually be super sweet. If you are reading this article and full-spiraling — DON'T. While sending drunk texts is very embarrassing, receiving them is almost always flattering.
A particular gentleman I hadn't even officially dated would call me 14 times in a row and send "I love you" texts. He sometimes was sassy about my lack of replies. He was often mortified the next day. I was always just like, "OMG, a cute human male who happens to like getting lit on weekends thinks I'm cute too." It's never as bad as you think, I promise. But if you want to stop sending those drunken phrases, now you know what to do.
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