When in a romantic correspondence that resembles dating but isn't a full-fat relationship, the Valentine's Day text is a "you first" scenario. If you receive an "HVD" text before you send one, congratulations, you've won. It's human to want confirmation from your "person" that they're thinking of you on Feb. 14 before ambushing them with a V-Day message of your own. If your ex is the person texting you, however, then you are not winning at all. As for how to respond when your ex drunk-texts you? I say, you don't respond at all.
If there is even an ounce of remaining baggage or lingering feelings for your ex, the chances you'll leave the text completely unanswered sits down around four percent. It's OK, I lack self-control too. There are important considerations to take into account when it comes to figuring out how you're going to reply to your ex's coy-yet-glib "Happy Vvvvv DAI" text when it arrives in your inbox at 11:00 p.m.
First, are you going to be feeling lonely/single/inadequate on Valentine's Day, too? Are you going to be drunk too? If you've answered yes to either of those, I would pre-formulate some ready-to-go replies, so that if the booze-fueled impulse strikes, you'll send something sensical and mature. (See below.)
More considerations: Is your ex in a new relationship and just looking for attention like a monster? Did you break your ex's heart rather recently, making it important to have some empathy? Below are six responses for a variety of different drunk-texts you might receive from your ex.
1. "No thank you."
This is the text for when you need to shut down communication with your ex, but can't seem to just ignore the notification. (Probably because you've indulged in some adult beverages this Valentine's Day, too.) It's pretend-polite, but actually very sassy, and your ex would have to be a total dud not to understand that you want to cut communication off for good.
2. "You're drunk, go home."
Another response for the ex that just won't seem to leave you alone. Ideally, you're only being this mean if this ex seriously wronged you or is a mean drunk. I'd say this is a good response to a text that reads, "Happy f*cking Valentine's Day."
3. "[Poop emoji]"
Visceral, simple, and to the point, your drunk ex will understand exactly how you feel about them wishing you a happy Valentine's Day. If they follow up, you can always send some Outkast lyrics: "Roses really smell like [poop emoji] [poop emoji]."
4. "It hurts to stay in touch with you, I'm sorry."
This isn't the coolest response, but I think it's important to tell those exes who won't commit but won't leave you alone exactly what's what. Leave your ex's text on ice overnight, and then reply in the morning with this. I applaud the crystal clear honesty and bravery it takes to say this.
5. "Happy V-Day, [insert nickname here]."
This is for the ex that you sort of want to get back together with, or can flirt with while maintaining your integrity and protecting your heart, because why the eff not?
6. CRICKET THEM!
While this is the hardest move of them all, it's the most important step to take if you really want to get over someone. No matter what your ex texts you, make a point to ignore their text. It's Valentine's Day, you could be on a date for all they know, and it's rude of your ex to act like things are still normal between you two.
Relationships are hard, and endings are the most precarious part. Think carefully about what you want your relationship with your ex to look like in the future before replying to any drunk texts they send you. After all, it's Valentine's Day. They don't need to be hitting you up. And you don't owe them anything — especially not a response.
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