I'm about to drop a huge truth bomb: Women masturbate. We love that stuff. In fact, I believe we do it just as much as men do it, but we feel ashamed to talk about it — cultural stigmas and such. So when it comes to knowing how to masturbate or learning the best ways to do it, there isn't all that much info out there on how to best achieve orgasm solo. Because God forbid a woman should want to orgasm all the time, alone or with someone else.
Well, let me drop another truth bomb: I love to orgasm! I mostly like to orgasm by myself and, sometimes, with other people, if they are lucky and have gone through an extensive screening process and are worthy of my time and vagina. But in order to come with someone else, I need to know the ins and outs of my own anatomy first. And that usually comes from... making myself come.
Whether you're using your hand or a sex toy, self-pleasuring is an important life skill, IMO. So I asked Clinical Sexologist Dr. Martha Tara Lee and Alicia Sinclair, founder and CEO of b-Vibe and Le Wand, about some of the best techniques for masturbating as a woman. Because you deserve pleasure, bb.
1. Create A Safe Space
In order to make masturbation pleasurable, you need to create a safe environment — one where, say, your mom or roommate won't walk in. To do this, Dr. Lee says that privacy is key and then relaxation.
"Some people have noticed that having a shower or bath helps them to relax. You may wish to dim the lights, turn on relaxing music, or even burn some essential oils," she explains.
Then, get rid of any negative stigmas or fears you have surrounding masturbation. Dr. Lee continues, "Allow yourself to feel good. Recognize that any negative emotion that comes up is normal, and that you will feel more comfortable with touching yourself over time."
2. Focus On The Clit
When it comes to pleasure, the elusive clit is the go-to spot for feeling good.
"Use one or more fingers on your clit and vary the motions of side-to-side, up and down, [and] round and round. You may also wish to alternate with patting or feather light touches over your clit," says Dr. Lee.
And in case you don't even know where your clit is, Dr. Lee can give you a little anatomy lesson. She explains,
Below your mons, you'll first see the top of the inner labia; this skin fold is your clitoral hood. That hood connects to the glans, which is the tip — and only the tip — of the clitoris. It is usually the most sensitive spot of your vulva. It has twice the number of sensory nerve endings [as] the penis does.
DOUBLE the amount of nerve endings as a penis has?!? Women are supposed to be coming all the time! I knew it.
3. Incorporate Props
If you don't want to do it all by yourself, then try incorporating some unexpected props into your routine.
Dr. Lee explains that while "lying on a mattress, you can rub a pillow over your clit by squeezing it between your thighs." Essentially, hump a pillow until you orgasm. This was my go-to move when I was in, like, sixth grade.
Or, a different method would be to utilize a mirror. "Your whole body is a sexual organ — not just your genitals. Put on some music that makes you feel sexy, stand in front of a mirror as you massage yourself, and make love to yourself," she continues. "You can visualize each touch as if your ultimate lover is pleasuring you with love."
Plus, looking at your vag in the mirror every once in a while is important for fostering a loving, intimate connection with your lady parts. And vaginal self-confidence can help lead to orgasm solo and with your partner, so this mirror trick actually isn't a bad idea.
4. Vary Your Touch
When in doubt, mix it up. "When ready, engage in exploring your entire body, noticing where and what kind of touch feels good," says Dr. Lee. "Use your fingertips to trace the outline of your genitals. Experiment with different kinds of touch – stroking, rubbing, shaking, circling, vibrating, patting, and tapping."
Basically everything a vibrator does, your hand can do, too.
She also explains that you can even experiment a step further, suggesting you "play with different textures and fabrics while self-pleasuring — for instance, glide silk, velvet, [or] cotton over your skin." Wear velvet gloves and masturbate like the Victorian princess you are!
5. Stay In The Moment
Don't pressure yourself to come. Instead, just enjoy the ride for as long as you need. "Let go of any expectation of the need to go somewhere with the feelings of arousal or to get an orgasm," says Dr. Lee. "At times, the stress of the need to have an orgasm will stop you from staying in your body with the sensations."
Remember, masturbation isn't performative — it's just about feeling good. So find out what feels best for you, however long that takes you. It's not a race.
6. Don't Ignore Your Butt
Alicia Sinclair makes it clear that while vaginal masturbation is important, we shouldn't forget about butt stuff, too. Masturbate everywhere!
"Solo anal play is one of the best, and most comfortable, ways to get started with anal pleasure," says Sinclair. "If you're interested in anal play, you can start by massaging or fingering your anus, and then move onto smaller toys (such as the Novice Plug from b-Vibe). Practicing solo gives you the chance to be both the giver and the receiver, which is super helpful when you do eventually add another person to the mix."
So if you're looking to, one day, have anal with a partner, starting with yourself might be the right choice.
Masturbating is important. You deserve and are entitled to pleasure, not only from others, but especially from yourself. It's self-love! So if you're a novice masturbator or you're just looking to spice things up, try out some of these tips. Or maybe just move on to butt masturbation. YOLO.
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