The Foolproof Guide To Giving Yourself The Perfect Orgasm

When I was 13, no boys wanted to talk to me. I looked a lot like Eugene Levy back then.

Due to this unfortunate fact, I took matters into my own hands by Googling everything I could find on jerking myself off.

Each tidbit was the same. They suggested dimming the lights, firing up some candles and shaving my legs. Then, I was supposed to face myself in the mirror and gently go at it.

Oh, and never think about orgasming. Thinking about orgasming ensured I would never, ever orgasm. Those tips were probably written by women who hadn't orgasmed since the Eisenhower era, but I didn’t know that at the time.

I played along, shaved my legs, put on Enya and tried to steer my thoughts away from orgasming.

Each post recommended thinking about something sexy to get in the mood. Naturally, I thought about Aaron Carter and about how I needed to orgasm because, well, why else did I shave my legs?

I’d get annoyed and never, ever orgasm.

I eventually did come, but it took months of walking around Spencer’s looking for the brightest, least-threatening vibrators on the market.

In short, I got lucky and figured myself out. Many women, however, need a helping hand.

Megan Stubbs, a sexologist and sex educator, has the ultimate how-to guide to the female orgasm. Get ready to come -- and keep coming.

Lock your damn door.

There is nothing sexy about your mom or roommate walking in on you with your hand down your pants.

Unless your roommate is Ryan Gosling. Then by all means, leave the door wide open. You may even want to call him and let him know you're feeling particularly frisky.

Seriously, you don’t want anything to throw off your vibe (literally). Ensure you won’t be disturbed.

Get comfortable.

Some women can play with themselves leaning up against the wall, in the bathroom or bending over backwards.

If it’s your first time getting handsy, don’t try to be fancy.

Prop up some pillows, lie down and get cozy. You might be there a while.

Start with the nipples and see what you like.

Why Women Fake OrgasmsWhy women fake orgasms... Posted by Elite Daily Video on Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Stubbs recommends starting off by exploring your body with your hands. You don’t have to dive right into the danger zone right away, either.

“Some women can orgasm from nipple stimulation alone,” Stubbs explains.

She's right. Published research shows nipple play activates an area in the brain known as the genital sensory cortex.

Our brains process nipple and genital stimulation as one and the same, so feel free to probe around.

Become very well acquainted with your clit.

You might be saying “no sh*t, Sherlock,” but hear me out.

Speaking from personal experience, infrequent masturbators experience a knee-jerk impulse to immediately start sticking their fingers into holes. Unfortunately, it doesn't usually get them off.

“The clitoris is responsible for over 70 percent of women’s orgasms,” Stubbs says.

If you still haven’t figured out where the hell your clit is, look for a hooded nubbin right above your labia.

You’ll feel it when you get there. Trust me.

Don't be afraid to bust out the lube.

There’s nothing more awkward than buying lubricant, but seriously it makes playtime way more fun. Contrary to popular belief, lube isn't just for the elderly.

If you’re super weirded out by the prospect of KY, always be sure to wet your fingers with your spit. Water sinks into skin too quickly, which is why shower sex sucks.

Whatever you do, don’t play raw. You will hurt yourself.

Play with pressure.

When it comes to pressure points on the body, Stubbs uses the phrase "different strokes for difference folks."

She couldn't be more right.

The lightest touch can get some ladies in a tizzy, while some of us basically need a jackhammer to feel anything at all.

"Try different types of touches and pressures on your clitoris," Stubbs suggests. "Once you find a pattern, rhythm or style you like, continue to build your pleasure until you orgasm. And if you do not achieve orgasm, that is perfectly OK, too."

Or, you know, just keep playing until you do.

Don't forget about your toys.

Vibrators are complicated. There are hundreds of varieties and, frankly, who wants to drop more than $100 on something that may not even get them off?

If you're just starting to feel yourself, Stubbs recommends a simple egg or bullet vibrator. Usually, they come in under $20.

"[Lipstick vibrators] are usually very inexpensive and quite often easy to find," Stubbs says. "Once you know what you like, you can explore the wider variety and styles that are available in the sex toy world."

Like, for example, the vibe that got me off to Drake.