How Likely You Are To Survive The Upside Down, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

by Rosey Baker
Netflix / "Stranger Things"

Life is full of challenges, and it can be hard. But not like, "Stranger Things" level hard. If you're like me, you probably spent the weekend paralyzed with fear on your couch just plowing through Season 2 of this insanely addictive show. It got me wondering, how well would each zodiac sign survive the upside down? I mean, especially considering how deeply upsetting it can be just to watch fictitious characters try to navigate it? Don't get me wrong; I sincerely enjoyed watching this season, and I even enjoyed how upsetting it was, which is masochistic and I'll be sure to talk to my therapist Peter about that later this week.

If you haven't seen the show, don't worry, there are no spoilers here. All you need to know is this: The Upside Down is a strange parallel dimension to the human world that exists right underneath it. It looks like a flipped image of the world we live in now, only it's dark, cold, and barely sustains any life on it. Oh, and it's home to a gigantic shadow monster that will inhabit your body and make you cough up slugs and sh*t. It's a really gross place with no sunlight and everything is covered in slimy vines. Here's how well you could survive the upside down, based on your zodiac sign.


Aries' blood runs hot as hell, so the Upside Down would at least suit them temperature-wise, plus there are plenty of things to fight with, like roots that grab your ankles out of nowhere. The problem is there's nary a human in sight, so Aries would probably get bored and let the shadow monster take them.


Outside of the pretty floating debris all over the place (which is made of God-knows-what), Taurus would walk into the Upside Down and be like "Eww, WTF. It's like, ugly in here," and put themselves down for a forever nap.


Gemini would cover every square inch of the Upside Down looking for a Wi-Fi hotspot. It's only when they discover there is no Wi-Fi anywhere that they'd give up. I mean what's the point of surviving if you can't post that sh*t to Instagram?


Is there food in the Upside Down? Not yet. But when Cancer gets there, you better believe they'd learn how to fashion some sort of delicious root vegetable stew out of the slimy roots that cover the ground. It's no fun cooking for one person though (at least not for this codependent-*ss sign), so I'd give Cancer, like, a week before they call it quits.


No mirrors in the Upside Down. Leo wouldn't last a day.


These hypochondriacs? No way. First of all, there is dirt floating in the air like snow. How much of that is healthy to inhale? Second, there's no way to get a good night's sleep, no such thing as work-life balance, no gyms with working machinery. It's not so much that they couldn't survive (Virgos are very resourceful), but the whole world is just unacceptable to them; they'd lose the will to live.


Libras need love. They need warmth. They need the tender compassion of a friend or loved one to sleep at night. They need attractive atmospheres and candlelit dinners and someone to f*cking talk to, but if no one is available, they'll ally themselves with the Shadow Monster, charm it, and rule the Upside Down themselves as queen.


Scorpios would be the first of humankind to pick up all their belongings and move to the Upside Down in hopes of living out their days in peace and quiet. Sure, it's covered in slime, but so is this world.

At least in the Upside Down you know for sure that everyone's out to get you. I'd say Scorpios could live a life of relative normality just surviving alone in this slimy apocalypse.


Sagittarius could make the best out of any situation; I'm pretty sure they could turn this horrible twist of fate into a fun way to see the sights. They'd probably go exploring and check out what Disney World looks like in the Upside Down, ride the rides, and maybe try to sword fight the Shadow Monster themselves. I mean, they could live for at least a year, surviving on just the power of positivity.


Capricorn would lose their f*cking minds. The Upside Down has no order, no government, no hierarchy, no traditions they can depend on, and no money. Without that, they'd lose their sense of purpose and call it a night forever.


Aquarius could fashion an entire World Wide Web using psychic power if left to their own devices. And they probably would, thereby contacting the regular world to let them know they've discovered an alternate universe where everything is the same but different, darker, colder, and run by a shadow lord. Their downfall? Nobody would believe them. Tragically, Aquarius is always ahead of their time.


Pisces would just cry until they run out of breath, dying maybe an hour into their stay in the Upside Down. They're too soft for this sh*t.