Has this ever happened to you? You’re seeing someone new and the two of you are clicking on all levels. They make you laugh and are super attractive. The sexual tension is fire. However, when you finally make your way to the bedroom for some grown folks fun time, you discover all that piping hot chemistry you had outside the bedroom seems to have left the building. Such a bummer. The question is, was that a one-off? How do you know if you have sexual chemistry? Shouldn't you know right away if it’s just not there? I mean, to be fair, the first time is always a little bit awkward, so I guess it makes sense to hope that the next time would be better. But what if round two is still a bust? At this point, the question becomes — if you really like everything else about this person — exactly how many times do you hook up with them before you just declare it a sexual chemistry fail and move on?
Listen, Nobody wants to have disappointing, unsatisfying, or just plain awful sex. But if I really like someone, I want to know I really tried. So, to help clear things up, I reached out to Dr. Jessica O’Reilly, host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast, for her advice on what to do in this situation. Here's what she had to say.
If you're really into someone, but it’s just not clicking in the bedroom, it's not automatically a deal-breaker. There is hope! What matters is not how many times you hook up, but how much effort each of you is willing to put into helping your chemistry grow.
“Some people are matches from the onset, and others take time to develop sexual chemistry,” O’Reilly tells Elite Daily, adding, “In general, great lovers are made — not born. Almost anyone can learn to perform a specific technique, talk in a tone or language that turns you on or approach you in a way that excites you.” Whew!
O’Reilly explains that, if you want to improve your sexual chemistry, you're going to have to speak up and let your partner know what you need. It’s pretty simple. “Sex is not that complicated," she says. "We’ve made it complicated by limiting the ways in which we communicate our sexual needs.”
What ultimately separates the folks who you have good sexual chemistry with (especially in the long-run) from those who, no matter how hard you try, you'll never click with, is the fact that they will be willing to do the work of building that chemistry. O’Reilly says it doesn’t matter how many times you hook up with someone — if the two of you aren't on the same page, your sexual chemistry will never click. “I don’t think it’s a matter of numbers; I believe it’s a matter of effort," she says, adding, "If your partner isn’t willing to make changes, learn and consider your requests, you’re likely incompatible.”
So, what exactly does “doing the work” of building up your sexual chemistry actually entail? According to O’Reilly, it begins with offering specific instructions. “For example, saying 'be more gentle' can be too broad," she explains. "Instead, try asking them to touch you with the backs of their fingertips only.”
O’Reilly says this is usually effective because most lovers want to be better in bed. “They want to please you. They just need a little education, as each person’s needs are unique,” she says. If you’re not sure how to start that kind of conversation — because let’s be honest, it can be uncomfortable (especially with someone new) — O’Reilly has some great suggestions.
"Show them with your hands. A little show and tell goes a long way. Put your hand on their hand, head, or hips and guide them so they can become familiar with your desired rhythm, depth, speed, and movement.
Use references from pop culture as inspiration.
Give them lots of praise when they do something you like. Don’t hold your breath or muffle your sounds.
Be honest if there is a specific move/technique you don’t like, 'I prefer this over that.'
Watch [couples] porn. Even if it’s not to your liking, you can offer some commentary on what you do and don’t like."
While we all wish that sexual chemistry would just come easily and naturally, sometimes it's just going to take a little extra effort. And the payoff is worth it, because it means not having to automatically let someone go who is otherwise perfect for you. Also, great sex. And remember: Sex isn't the only important part of a relationship. There are several ways to be intimate with someone that don't include traditional sex. Get creative, have fun, and be patient with your partner.
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