Here's What Happens When You Love Someone Who Lives Far Away
There's something so undeniably tragic about falling in love with someone who doesn't live in the same city as you. Now, living in cities of the same state might seem like an inconvenient trek, but I'm talking about the kind of distance that makes weekly, or even monthly, meetings virtually impossible. Let's face it: Keeping a normal relationship moving forward can already feel like a huge challenge, but when you love someone who lives far away, it can feel like the challenges are insurmountable.
When I met my current boyfriend, it was pretty much clear from the start that we were both just in it for some fun. After all, he was only in town for a couple of weeks and I was coming off a particularly exhausting number of dating app dates that had me one step away from joining a convent. But we all know how it goes — it's all fun and games until someone catches feelings. And fortunately for me, the feelings were mutual. But, like most long-distance couples, our oxytocin-steeped brains convinced us that the distance would be nothing compared to the intensity of our three-week love affair, and we figured the only solution was to try to give it our all.
Long-distance relationships have garnered quite the bad rep for being pretty much impossible, but most of us at least know a friend of a friend whose cousin was in a long-distance relationship that actually ended up working out. It is possible! It's just rare.
"A long-distance relationship is not only logistically challenging, it is extremely psychologically challenging," clinical psychologist and host of The Web Radio Show, Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., told Elite Daily. "If you and your partner struggle with communication, transparency, [or] if your expectations about how much you will be together are off... you will create a level of psychological tension in the relationship that ultimately will be its demise."
It's true folks, being in love with someone who you can't touch is such an agonizing experience, both mentally and physically. Especially when you don't have a firm plan for how often you will realistically be able to see one another, and even more so if neither of you are strong communicators.
My boyfriend and I learned early on that if things were going to work out between us, we would need to have the date of our next reunion on the calendar every time we said our goodbyes. Even if it was months away, I found that having a finite amount of time you're going to be apart alleviated a lot of psychological distress and fear.
Another thing that can happen when you're in a long-distance relationship are lapses in communication, which is totally normal considering all of the complexities involved. You have to consider scheduling Skype dates (possibly even in different time zones), actually being able to Skype at the agreed-upon time, feeling so sad that you aren't together but not wanting to take up your limited time wallowing — the list goes on and on. But these things don't have to get in the way of keeping the connection alive, which is why it's so important to find the right amount of communication that works for the both of you.
"Communicate often but not constantly," said Dr. Klapow. "Trying to make up the time you are not together by talking, emailing, texting, FaceTiming constantly simply creates a level of expectation that can’t be sustained."
Dr. Klapow recommended you "talk daily" or "text once or twice" a day.
And at the end of the day, for the time being, you both have lives that are somewhat separate from one another. Instead of focusing on how sad that is, try to focus on how awesome it is that you found someone so amazing that made you want to beat the odds.
Ultimately, I think the saddest thing that can happen in a long-distance relationship is the crushing realization that neither one of you can or is willing to move, which is why it's so important to consider from the start if there is a realistic possibility that one of you can relocate. If the answer is no, then you both have to be OK with knowing that you will be committing to basically being pen pals who meet up from time to time. Falling in love with someone who lives far away doesn't mean you can't make things work, it just means that you're going to have to put in a lot of effort and resources without any guarantees.
This post was originally published on June 6, 2018. It was updated on Aug. 26, 2019 by Elite Daily Staff.