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Here’s How To Plan A Threesome With Your Partner, According To Experts

You're ready to have a threesome. You’ve thought it through and you're confident it's something you want to explore (or do again). There's only one problem: Your partner has no idea that you’d like to RSVP plus one to your next bedroom romp. Having that talk is the first step of how to start planning a threesome with your partner.

If that sounds daunting, Elise Schuster, a sexuality educator and co-founder of expert advice app okayso, advises would-be threesome participants to keep in mind that planning ahead can actually make the experience better overall when (and if) it happens. “Although there are spur-of-the-moment threesomes that happen, a more successful threesome will generally be one that's planned to some degree ahead of time,” Schuster tells Elite Daily. “We often have the idea that talking about sex ahead of time takes all the fun out of it, often because we imagine it as a dry, sterile conversation. Talking about the sex we want to have before we have it can be a sexy experience and can help ensure that everyone involved is having the most fun possible.” Having the most fun possible is kind of the whole point, right?

Here's what the experts have to say about planning a ménage-à-trois with your partner.

Share Your Fantasies

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To break the ice, sex and relationship therapist Cate Mackenzie tells Elite Daily you can start by talking about threesomes more theoretically in order to test the water and gauge your partner's enthusiasm. “Suggest creating an erotic fantasy together with an imaginary threesome and each of you talk through an erotic scenario for the other,” she says. “It can be good to prepare for all of this so that you feel relaxed when you're bringing it up.”

When you're ready to have the conversation properly, Schuster says it's best to broach the subject outside the bedroom. “If you haven't already, set up regular conversations to check in about your sex life — maybe while taking a walk or eating a meal. Talking outside of the bedroom means you both are more likely to be in a good headspace and able to really connect with each other,” they say. Then let them know it's something that's on your mind that you would like to try together, but that first you wanted to see with their initial thoughts were on the subject, suggests Schuster.

Discuss Boundaries

If your partner's receptive to the idea, the next step is to start talking about boundaries as well as desires, says Schuster. For instance, what sort of person are you thinking you'd like to include? Would it be a stranger? Or would you feel better including a friend? Other points can cover whether there's a particular kink you’d like to explore or an activity you have in mind, for example. The key here is to be open and honest about each of your visions for the threesome, suggests Schuster. “You should also both talk about what kinds of activities you are and aren't OK with each of you doing with the third person. If there's something off-limits, make it super clear both to your partner and to the third person,” they add.

Setting clear and thoughtful ground rules is also a key part of planning a threesome, says Mackenzie. “It's easy for this to go wrong, so you want to know you and your partner are a committed couple (if you are) and to be considerate of the other person, but very much keep in mind what will keep your couple safe emotionally, physically, and mentally,” they explain. Things to keep in mind include what safe sex practices you'll be using, what activities are on and off the table, and how to deal with any jealousy and insecurity that might arise. Essentially, you need to talk through all of your rules that need to be set so you both enjoy the experience both during and after. “Although [a threesome] can sound fun, it can also be a test of how able you are to let go of your ego and watch your partner really enjoying someone else — it’s important to think this through and how you might feel about this,” says Mackenzie

Listen To Your Partner

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If you're excited to have a threesome, then your partner would ideally share your same level of enthusiasm. However, don't be too surprised if they're initially reluctant or at some point get cold feet. If that happens, it's essential to hear them out. “If your partner is hesitant or says ‘no,’ it might help you to understand why, so you may want to follow up with something like ‘I'd love to understand where you're coming from, would you feel comfortable sharing more?’” suggests Schuster. In some cases, the issues your partner brings up may be ones you can address by discussing things further or setting up special rules and boundaries. If your partner is outright saying no, however, don't push them. There should be no sexual activity without enthusiastic consent, and that goes for threesomes, too. Respect their boundaries, period.

Planning for a successful threesome, like just about everything when it comes to relationships, ultimately boils down to healthy and open communication. “Being clear with yourself about how you really feel, talking honestly with your partner, and being upfront with the third person is the key to a successful threesome,” concludes Schuster. So if adding a third party in the bedroom is what you desire, let's just say you’ll love it when this plan comes together. Yes, pun intended.

Experts cited:

Cate Mackenzie, sex and relationship therapist

Elise Schuster, a sexuality educator and co-founder of okayso