Whether you have your Oscar acceptance speech outlined or have the wallpaper chosen for the bathroom of your dream house, there's probably something you daydream about when you're sitting on the subway and don't have any cell service. Although it may not be easy to admit, many people have a hidden fantasy. Whether you're in a relationship or not, it's incredibly common to explore your own sexual fantasies, and to struggle to know how to put them into action. No matter what you're imagining, these four ways to explore your favorite sexual fantasy can help to make your dreams a reality, in a consensual and healthy way!
"Fantasy play is definitely not necessary for healthy sexuality! However, fantasy play and/or role-play can provide opportunities for couples to explore more variety and be adventurous within a monogamous relationship," Dr. Misty Smith, PhD, LPC-S Certified Sex Therapist, tells Elite Daily. Fantasy can be a great way to get out of your comfort zone and turn the heat up. It can also be a way to shed your inhibitions and cultivate some major body-positive #selflove.
Dr. Smith shares four ways to embrace the fantasy in your sex life, so you get to make your own rules.
If you want to try something with your boo, you gotta' talk about it! Although they made read your body well, they probably can't read your mind.
"If you do not have open sexual communication in your relationship, you should!," Dr. Smith says. "Couples who feel safe when discussing such a vulnerable topic typically have better sex lives. These couples have the ability to just say what they want without fear." Knowing that you can express yourself and your desires without judgement can help you to be upfront about your fantasies.
Of course, open communication, especially about sex, isn't always easy. "If this is not your relationship, start by asking 'Get to know you' questions on date night or over a glass of wine." Dr. Smith says. "Couples often times stop getting to know one another after that honeymoon period. Put it back on the table, and just bring in more sexual questions as time goes."
Playing a sexy game or answering sexy questions could help spark some conversation about desire and fantasy. Having a mellow night with dinner and wine can make you and your boo feel relaxed and ready to open up.
If you've tried to bring up your fantasies and find yourself lost for words or even a little embarrassed, that's totally natural. It's OK to need time to feel comfortable sharing what you want to try.
"It is completely common for couples to be reserved about sexual fantasies," Dr. Smith says. "Sexual fantasies often leave people feeling embarrassed due to societal beliefs and religious teachings. When couples aren’t even having basic sexual communication, it feels very difficult to communicate about fantasies they feel might lead a partner to judge them or even end the relationship. Sometimes people forget: Fantasies are sometimes merely just fantasies!"
Talking about your wildest fantasy can be even harder when you and your boo aren't having conversations about sex in general. By opening up a dialogue about your sex life, and then easing into fantasy talk, you and your boo can both start to feel good about your desires.
The best way to get to talking is to start by asking questions. Engaging your boo in conversation about a range of topics can help when trying to bring up your fantasy ideas.
"Pull a list of 'date night' questions from an online resource. Make sure some of these questions are non-sexual. Try to provide a judgment free environment," Dr. Smith says. "Be sure you are ready to open up with your own communication when discussing the questions."
Making space for nonjudgmental communication can help you and your boo feel good about talking about your sexual fantasies. Sharing special memories or things you want them to know about you, outside of the sexy stuff, can help you feel supported and connected in your sex life.
I asked Dr. Smith about ways for a couple to begin talking about domination and submission, and her response pertains to many fantasies.
"First and foremost, discussion," Dr. Smith says. "Definitions of need to be had followed by communication regarding boundaries prior to anything actually happening in the bedroom...or whatever room you choose. Second, this type of play could be as simple as using a scarf as a blindfold during sexual play. It is a simple act which can build trust between the couple. Third, remember that pain is not included in everyone’s version of a D/S relationship."
Discussion, having set definitions and roles, and making your own versions of your fantasy that work for you and your boo are great ways to experiment with fantasy. Understanding that the practical play out of your fantasy can be a simple or smaller act to build comfort, rather than jumping into to someone else's definition can help too. You get to make your own rules, and you get to choose what's hot and what works for you.
If you've been day dreaming about a sexual fantasy, try talking to your boo about how you're feeling and ways that you can incorporate your sexy ideas between the sheets. Remember it's natural to feel sheepish and to take time to feel comfortable saying what you want, and deciding how to get there. When it comes to your sex life, you get to set your own rules and do what feels right — IRL and IFL.
