It’s that time of year again. Bring on the pumpkin spice flavors following you everywhere and the apple orchard-heavy Instagram posts. It's time to think up that perfect Halloween costume with your squad, and update your entire wardrobe with oversized sweaters, flannel shirts, jeans, and booties. It's safe to say that it’s one of my favorite times of year. However, there is always one thing I certainly don't look forward to, and that is candy corn. Hate candy corn? Well, if you do as much as I do, there are definitely a few thoughts we've all had about this festive candy around Halloween.
I remember being in grade school and getting these weird orange, yellow, and white triangles in my goodie bags. And not just a few. No, never a few, but bunches of them. Hordes of fake, sweet corn invaded the goodie bags I initially looked forward to. They were everywhere, and always during the Halloween season. They never looked appetizing, but everyone was always eating them. “How bad could they be?” I remember thinking. Oh, poor sweet Alani; they could be really bad. Of course, I had to experience for myself how horrible these did actually taste to come to a final decision, but it was a tough swallow.
I’ve never been a huge candy fan, but I am human and have a sweet tooth. I would eat up the lollipops and the chocolate pieces. I even liked the pumpkin-shaped pretzels. But the candy corn was a no-go. It’s so weird to live in a world that is so obsessed with these things. Not only do people voluntarily eat candy corn, but they love it!
Candy corn is so synonymous with fall and spooky stuff, but if you’re like me, you’ve definitely had some choice thoughts about them. Here are seven of them.
1“All these candy corn-related items are just SO confusing.”
As previously mentioned, these buggers are everywhere — and not just in the edible form. They’re on shirts, socks, costumes, and fairy lights. There are even candy-corn-themed bath bombs (although, I really hope they have no fragrance-relation to the actual candy). Part of me wants to admit that they are definitely aesthetically pleasing (and make for smart marketing), but do we need them in almost everything right now? I’d like to imagine a world where Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups were the agreed-upon staple Halloween candy. Amen.
2“I guess we all know what chalk tastes like now...”
Sweet chalk, but chalk, nonetheless. I think my biggest grievance with candy corn is that it just doesn’t taste good! I know we all have different tastes and taste buds, but how can so many people share the consensus that candy corn is good enough for all the hubbub it invites? Literally, anything else in my Halloween bag looks better. And yes, everything. Even you, brandless, cherry-flavored knock-off of a Tootsie Roll.
3“The long-lasting aftertaste if you cave in and eat one of these suckers is beyond gross.”
So, we already know these taste bad; as aforementioned, they’re chalky and sweet, but not in a good way, and don’t even have a flavor you can place. But oh my gosh, candy corn sure knows how to make its presence known for awhile after you eat one. They have a longer aftertaste life than cherry cough syrup. Why do I want that in my mouth for so long? Oh, right, I don’t.
4“How can something so cute be so gross?”
I really want to enjoy candy corn. I really do. I feel like I’m missing out on a part of Halloween lore and tradition by expelling them from my life. However, I don’t believe I will ever like them. Of course, unless I lose my sense of taste.
5“I can find happiness in the thought that no one has found a way to put candy corn flavors in everything (yet).”
Candy corn has its own national day of the year (it’s October 30, for all you beings out there who like these things, and all of the formerly mentioned merch galore adorned with them). However, I think we can all thank the powers-that-be that it has not come to the level of obsession that pumpkin spice has. You think I’ve lost my sh*t now? Just wait until the day we get candy corn coffee.
6"Why haven’t we evolved enough to make them taste better?"
People revamp recipes and food all of the time. Whether it’s taking good things and making them bad (sushirritos, that’s my hot take), or taking bad things and making them good, people are finding new ways to put twists on food. Why haven’t we done anything with candy corn? A quick Google search will show that people have started to do this more (the candy brand Brach’s has caramel macchiato candy corn, caramel apple and — you guessed it — pumpkin spice candy corn), but it doesn’t seem like it’s catching on anywhere else. Maybe we’re being saved from something worse than what we already have? I’m not going to be the one to find out.
7"Is it just me? Was I born with mutant taste buds?"
When everyone around you is enjoying these odd corn shapes made of candy, you often wonder to yourself, “Who am I? Why am I here and not enjoying this apparently normal thing to eat?” You definitely feel alone in your disdain for this famous Halloween treat. But maybe I’m not alone? Maybe there’s a little hoard of us and we’ve transcended you all, because we don’t have to pretend these are good. I’m down to start a Candy Corn Haters Club. Is that too much?
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