Stocksy/ Xunbin Pan

Can Two Aries Date? Why The Match Is More Like A Match-Up


Love is a splendid thing, or so you thought before you watched your Aries friend dance-fight her way into f*cking another Aries. "Can two Aries date?" you asked yourself? The relationship lasted for maybe three weeks but somehow contained every thematic element of all seven seasons of Game of Thrones. You questioned whether your friend was suffering from some sort of breakdown, or if this was just her being her most authentic self. You're still not sure how to answer that burning question in your mind, but I'm here to answer it for you. In truth, she actually was just being her most authentic self — both the good and the bad — and if watching her in that element scared you, well, it should.

But is it possible for two Aries to work out together and live happily ever after? Hm. I don't know. Is it possible for two MMA fighters to stand in a ring together, just standing there, reading poems back and forth forever? Is it possible for a women's rights activist to walk into a Klu Klux Klan rally and walk out smiling? Is it possible for two betta fish to live in the same tank and come out alive? I will demonstrate. Not by posting an actual video of two fighting fish, but by describing for you exactly how it goes down between two Aries in a relationship.

Phase One: Circling Targets

If you were to put two gorgeous fighting fish in a tank together (please don't, this is straight up psychopathic behavior, and YouTube is full of psychopaths) the first thing you'll notice is a blur of gorgeous colors circling one another. It looks like a beautiful dance, like West Side Story when the Sharks and the Jets snap-stalk each other into formation. The lack of contact allows them to move freely. Such freedom of movement allows both fish the ability to strike at any given moment.

This is the moment when two Aries size each other up. They'll engage in a little verbal sparring, throwing challenges, one-upping each other, with every challenge doubling as a flirtation. Why? I don't know. It's like the blood rush humans get from anger goes directly to their genitals.

Phase Two: Body Contact

This is the moment when the tension becomes too much. It's that moment when, in a fight between humans, the fighters become too close for comfort. When everything boils over and someone makes a move to throw the other off balance with a slight shove. Between fighter fish, this is the phase when the two fish will line up head to head and shove eachother around.

In an Aries relationship, this is what's known as a first kiss, but anyone watching might wonder if they should call for help. Aries kisses strongly resemble the beginning phases of a street fight. If you see one, you'll think, "Could a first kiss be that passionate? Surely not, way too much hair pulling!"

Phase Three: First Blows

This is the phase in a betta fish battle when someone tears a fin. All that tousling can be fun as hell for two fighting machines, but the minute someone rips a fin, all bets are off, b*tch. You just f*cked with fishy's vanity. Someone's about to get bit.

In an Aries relationship, this is quite obviously the moment when these two fighting machines get to the down and dirty. They're both ruled by Mars, the warrior planet, and when they bang it looks like two tumbleweeds thrown in a dryer. It's fast, it's furious, and it's hot as hell, b*tch! But there will be blood.

Phase Four: Blood In The Water

This is the final frontier for these two: the fish and the Aries. Once first blood is drawn (and body fluids are exchanged, in the two Aries' case) all bets are off. Somebody is going down... it's just a matter of who and when. Look, the reason two fighter fish can't live in the same tank is the same reason two Aries can't live in the same apartment. It's too much passion and energy in a small space, people! Can there be more than one Beyoncé on this planet? Absolutely not. If there was, there would be a big, beautiful clashing before it all dissolved like fireworks on the Fourth of July. Please refer to the lyrics of "Miss Independent." If all the ladies are independent, why do we have to throw our hands up at you, Bey? That's really up to us.

The point is this: No, two Aries cannot date for any seriously long time. It can't work. When two of the same sign get together, it emphasizes all of their characteristics, both good and bad. In Aries' case, their biggest strengths multiplied by two combine to create one very weak relationship, because relationships require stability and, above all, compromise.