So it's fall, or "autumn" if you want to be a fancy b*tch about it; and you've just had your heart ripped out and run over by a 16-wheeler truck, because the man you thought you were going to spend your life with turned out to be nothing but a gigantic disappointment who "needed to focus on himself." Yeah, right. You'll show him. In fact, you're going to get so into self-love practices, you start a podcast. That way, if Joey even THINKS about getting his life together, he won't be able to do it without subscribing to YOU.
You know as well as he does that little Joey's plan to "focus on himself" is a pile of horsesh*t because all he ever did was go to the bar with his friends and argue about the latest Guardians of The Galaxy movie. But now it's your turn to focus on yourself because you're actually capable of personal growth. You're going to get your sh*t together in ways he'll be awed and offended by. You're going to love yourself into your final vengeance on poor, sad Joseph until he cries for his f*cking mommy.
Here's how you're gonna do it.
Put the HOTTT into Hot Yoga
Sure, everyone gets really into yoga after a breakup, but not everyone makes a sh*tload of hot yoga friends while they sweat out the remnants of feelings they have for their ex.
When you were with Joseph, you couldn't even touch your f*cking toes, and you're hanging out with Flexible Mario now, who could straight-up bang you into the shape of a pretzel... if you were emotionally ready to sleep with someone yet. You'll get there. Every inch closer you get to touching your toes is an inch closer to touching Mario's dong.
Words create thoughts, thoughts create energy, and energy creates form. Every day you wake up, sit in front of a mirror, light a candle and envision yourself surrounded by a white light made entirely of Joseph's regret.
You repeat the words, "I love myself even more than Joseph hates himself for breaking up with me." Your recent time to focus on yourself has taught you that you are a powerful, limitless human being, whether you're boning Joseph or not. It's fine that he hasn't texted. Regret is a difficult emotion to navigate. You have all the time in the world.
Get A Dog Who Is Cuter Than Joseph's Dog
Joseph got his dog with his ex ex-girlfriend Sue, and he knows how you felt about it. That dog never f*cking loved you the way he loved Sue, and neither did Joseph, and you felt that deep in your bones. But NOW? Now you've got your own f*cking dog, and you've NAMED it Sue just to show Joseph how completely over him and his ex-girlfriend you are.
It's not weird to name your dog after your ex's ex. He doesn't even know you did it on purpose. You're so over him you have your OWN Sue in your life, who has redefined the name for you and she loves you more than the human Sue ever loved him. Posting pics with the hashtag #MeAndSue4Ever should show him. Has he called? No. Texted? Nope. But did he see your Instagram story? YES. So he's aware.
Take A Trip
You've got flyer miles waiting for you, and you were saving those up to go watch Joseph's dumbass family reunite this summer. So now that things have gone south in that department, you're heading south for the winter.
You've got a trip to Cancun all planned out, and you've bought the sluttiest bathing suit money can buy. Now all you need are those nicely self-timed beach shots of you running into the water like someone else recorded them. The caption will read: "Mexico is beautiful, just wish everyone would stop offering me cocaine!"
If there's one thing Joseph will always regret, it's that he went to his family reunion instead of going on your self-love trip to Mexico with you.