Stocksy/KKGas

Major Scorpio Red Flags You'll Probably Notice & Then Ignore Anyway

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It's cuffing season, bitch. It's cold out, and you need someone with enough oversized flannel shirts to build a tent with. So who cares if his name is Aiden, and all his friends all call him "Aides"? The spelling doesn't make this an acceptable nickname, and you know that, but you need human. f*cking. warmth, and you need it from a Scorpio — because they know how to lay pipe when yours are broken. There are a lot of Scorpio red flags you'll ignore because of his charm and passion. You can overlook his tone-deaf nickname and the fact that he showers immediately after sex like he feels bad about it, because he's got that ConEd dick; it brings the heat.

So yeah, we can forgive the fact that you've overlooked some red flags — or completely ignored them — based on the fact that you need some human contact for the winter. We can forgive the fact that your friends' eyes literally roll around the globe every time you show up with him at a party and everyone knows he's going to start every conversation with "Well, ACTUALLY...." as if anyone asked for a debate. We can even forgive the fact that he wears scarves to go teach acting classes at the learning annex for three people, because what matters is that you're getting it in with a Scorpio this winter.

Here's just a few more items on the list of giant hazard signs you're probably overlooking, just because he's a Scorpio.

He Says He Loves You On The Second Date

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Ummm, OK. He told you he loved you on the second date, or at least started acting like it, by asking you how you felt about marriage and kids. Sure, that's a major red flag because you KNOW he's just letting his attraction to you build up into an entire fake backstory about who you are.

You know he's in for a disappointing wake-up call when he finds out you snore like a human septic tank. But who cares? He's got that Scorpio mystique! You never know WHAT he's thinking, and you're willing to spend the rest of... well, at least the winter... trying to figure that out.

Every Time He Nuts He Does It Without Making A Sound

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Sure, not everyone is an Olympic yeller when it comes to, well, coming. But it's slightly strange that you've literally never, ever heard his voice during sex. He's got more passion in his vocal chords when he says hi to your dog, and that is several levels of disturbing.

But when he's got that intense Scorpio eye contact going, it doesn't really matter to you because you've already come twice. You can then watch his face contort into its ugly-crying shape, and you know the deed has been done.

He's Very Weird About Showering Around Sex

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Scorpios do have a certain level of obsessive compulsive behaviors, so you're willing to overlook the fact that he's always showering immediately after he comes, long before the f*ckfest is over.

It's like he's religiously against double dipping in any form, or like he's washing off guilt. Do you sometimes take it personally? Absolutely. Are you gonna let that ruin your winter with this one man f*ck machine? Absolutely NOT. You've literally just mastered the art of orgasming on the back of his motorcycle without him noticing, and that's a skill you'd like to refine.

He Doesn't Eat Like A Regular Person

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I'm not talking about how he chews, which is fine. What I'm saying is he's the first man you've ever met who lives exclusively off of soup, KIND bars, or like a handful of nuts every now and again, like he's on some forever-cleanse. What is it with Scorpios and their restrictive eating habits? It's probably that they're ruled by Pluto, which is the planet of obsessive compulsive behavior.

But you know for a fact that he didn't always eat like this because you've seen pics on his Instagram of him eating a burger. So why now? Is this about you? Is he paranoid your box is calorie-heavy? Whatever. At least he eats that.