Let me preface by saying that women and femmes being called any variation of "too much" or "a lot" always rubs me the wrong way. From the time we are born, society seems to expect refined behavior from us. My mother's literal advice to "just blend in" with my classmates still simmers in my mind. Today, I am proud to grace the world as I am: loud, powerful, and oftentimes, quick-witted. But when it comes to dating — it can be hard to know if you are, in fact, texting your crush too much, or if you are just, well, being yourself.
If you're an extrovert or just a big texter, it can be difficult to navigate your own personality from other people's communication styles — especially when you're trying to mack. It is never my intention to make my crush uncomfortable, but I also don't want to tailor myself for a lover's approval, or paint some version of myself that could be perceived as chill or breezy, because I'm not — in any universe.
Still, I do think it's important to be mindful of the social comfort levels of others. With texting becoming almost intrinsic to dating today, it's hard to turn on your read receipts to the non-verbal signs that someone isn't interested. In defense of loud girls everywhere (the working title for my first memoir), and in defense of big texters, I reached out to relationship and well-being coach Shula Melamed MA, MPH, and Demetrius Figueroa, dating writer and founder of A Mighty Love, about texting in flirting and silent signs your potential bae may not be interested.
If you're an ace at engaging people and starting up conversations, odds are that you're crush is actively responding to your messages, even if they aren't trying to date you. Maybe your questions or quippy commentary about every episode of Real Housewives is so witty it demands a response.
There's a line, however, between someone replying to what you're saying versus someone actively moving the conversation forward. "What may confuse you is when they respond to all your texts, in a timely manner, but do so without adding to the conversation," Figueroa tells Elite Daily. "You might send them something that warrants a well thought out response, and they'll respond with short answer like 'k', or 'cool'."
While your crush may not share your gooey feeling, they may feel a responsibility to respond. It can be helpful to be aware of their energy levels when they reply, for both for their sake and yours. They may be relying on their quick responses to signal that they're not feeling it.
Remember: You deserve someone who wants to text you. if you're putting out thoughtful messages, you deserve a thoughtful response.
If you're a walking exclamation point, you may speak with high energy about literally everything. If your crush is someone who doesn't get excited about things in the way that you do, they may be showing that in their texts.
"You can tell when your crush isn't interested, or has lost interest, based on how they text you," Figueroa says. "When your crush has lost interest, you'll notice a change in the speed of response and the substance of the responses."
If you're habitually quicker to reply, or reply with more gusto, it may be indicative of a difference in your interest levels. Maybe you're amped about a new record store opening and want to share that with your crush, or perhaps you want to take them record shopping on a date — if they aren't matching your excitement, they may not be matching your interest, and their dead-pan response may be their way of saying it.
Don't be discouraged — just because they don't want to pick through old 45s with you, doesn't mean there isn't a cutie around the corner who shares your impeccable taste in feminist punk bands.
OK, this one sign is tricky because while you would imagine it would be pretty straight forward, no response can still be difficult to navigate. I've had baes tell me my forwardness and ability to double text without stressing was the reason that wanted to date me in the first place, and I've had people tell me that I was being, ahem, "too much."
"You can talk to your crush candidly and tell them that you know that you can sometimes text too much, and would like to know how much texting is too much for them," Figueroa states. "All the warning signs that your crush is losing interest in you over text could also just be signs that they are incredibly busy, so it's a good idea to ask them how much texting works for them."
Talking about texting sounds silly, but can actually be a good way to check in with your potential love interest. To many, not responding to a text is a pretty direct way to show disinterest, and it's important to respect people's boundaries. But for other people, it may actually be okay for a crush taking the lead — in fact, they may actually be into it. So, it's important to acknowledge which style of texter they are, before jumping to conclusions.
The other night, a friend and I made a joke about writing a book called:That's a 'Them' Problem: Coming To Terms With The Fact That You're Doing Everything Right. Of course, as Hannah Montana always says, nobody is perfect. No one is right all the time.
If you think you're texting your crush "too much," consider listening to your gut instincts and tone it down. However, remember that in love and in life, if the one you love isn't lovin' you back, that in no way means that you need to change yourself. In fact, you should never feel the need to change who you are to please someone else!
"The right person will not think its too strong and the right person will also be able to set good boundaries with you and your will be inspired to respect their boundaries," Melamed states. "Be yourself and mindful of the other person's communication styles. Not everyone is an extrovert or as comfortable revealing everything about themselves in the beginning."
If talking to new people has always come naturally to you, it can sometimes be a struggle to understand the other ways in which people have difficulty communicating. It's good to be mindful of others, but if your crush is making you feel bad about being yourself, they're probably not "the one" for you.
There's not easy way to say it — rejection sucks. When you're a big people-person, having someone not find you charming and wonderful can feel like the ultimate failure. But being a responsible texter means understanding how your communication levels can come off to others, introverts, extraverts, and ambiverts alike.
When it comes to all flirting, trust yourself, and listen to whatever feels right for you. If someone seems less interested in all you have to offer, well then it truly is their loss. And if you ever have a crush who is making you feel like you are "too much," then maybe, just maybe, they're not enough for you.
