I daydream about a hundred different things a day and my thoughts usually include things I'd like to have — a purse closet like Kris Jenner's, a library like Belle's, and a bouncy coif like Kate Middleton's. Sometimes my daydreams veer into the territory of things I'd like to do — climb Macchu Picchu, see the Pyramids, and finally learn how to make an Old Fashioned. I personally think these daydreams are healthy and can be motivating, but when it come to sex, are sexual fantasies healthy? Your sexual fantasies can be specific and deeply personal, and I'm not going to get into my specific ones here because... hi, Mom! But the good news is that daydreaming about your sex life can be a very good thing.
I spoke to Stephanie Alys, sexpert and Chief Pleasure Officer of Mystery Vibe, and she says that having sexual fantasies can be healthy and even productive. "Fantasies are a great way to explore the unknown in a safe environment. If you’re thinking about adding a new element to your sex life, it can be helpful (and fun, of course) to play out the scenario in your head." So, your sexual fantasies can affect you by revealing a feeling, emotion, or scenario that you're interested in experiencing IRL.
When it comes to translating your sexual fantasies to your actual sex life, you might not need to necessarily re-create your specific fantasy to have the desired experience. Alys explains, "Fantasizing doesn’t have to translate directly into your sex life. You may have an elaborate fantasy about being dominated in a dungeon. In real life, you may only want your partner to tie up your wrists during sex. It can be helpful to pick out pieces of the fantasy, or simply keep exploring in your mind." In this way, fantasies can be useful tools to help steer your sex life towards a more satisfying experience.
Your sexual fantasies can not only affect you, but can also affect your partner. While a fantasy seems like a deeply personal thing to share, there are benefits to both sharing your fantasies with your partner and keeping them to yourself. When it comes to sharing, Alys says, "It depends on the fantasy! It can be quite intimate to share fantasies with your partner and it’s a great foreplay activity. It can also be a helpful way to explain why something turns you on." However, if you're like "um, pass" about sharing your intimate ideas with someone else, Alys says, "There is also no shame in keeping a fantasy to yourself — you aren’t cheating or hiding anything from your partner if you do." After all, it's your fantasy.
If you're reticent to spill the sexy beans to your partner, and if that's the case, don't worry at all. You might be uncertain about how they'll react, or just anxious about having that conversation in general. This doesn't mean that your fantasy is unhealthy, wrong, or even embarrassing. Alys says, "Fantasies can be a way to explore something we feel uncomfortable about, even scared of. Remember that it’s all happening inside your mind, and it’s actually quite common for fantasies to be taboo." (Phew!)
Sometimes fantasies can be motivating, emotionally cathartic, and psychologically revealing. They can also simply be thrilling and turn you on, so when your mind drifts off into fantasyland, be assured that having a sexual fantasy can be healthy, is perfectly normal, and might even be a productive element in your sex life. On the flip side, if you don't have any sexual fantasies that excite you or simply don't have any sexy fantasies at all — this is also normal. Much like a daydream about purse closets or epic travel adventures, what your brain comes up with is all about your personality and there's no right and wrong. (Again — phew!)