The old adage is that when it comes to love, you’ll just “know" when you find the right one. While that sounds really comforting and certain, in reality it's often not so cut-and-dry. People are complicated, and our feelings wax and wane over time. One day your partner may seem like "the one" and the next day, you might not be so sure. How are you supposed to know for certain that someone is actually right for you? Well, according to experts, there are clear signs you’re in a relationship with the wrong person that can help you know if your uncertainty is normal, or if it's time to move on.
Leaving a relationship can be scary, especially a relationship that isn’t necessarily bad, but that just may not feel quite right. You may second-guess what you’re feeling and be afraid of making a mistake — no judgment here, because I have definitely been in this exact situation more times than I would like to admit. It's hard, it’s confusing, and you don't want to hurt someone unnecessarily. So, rather than spend any more time feeling unsure, I called in the experts. To help navigate these oh-so-murky waters, I spoke with licensed clinical psychotherapist and Love Victory founder Dr. LeslieBeth Wish, and read up on some of what licensed marriage and family therapist, Dr. Gary Brown had to say on the subject. Here's what they say are some signs that your current partner may not be the right one for you.
When the big moments (good or bad) happen, the first person I want to share them with or seek support in is my partner. If that’s not true for you, then Dr. Brown writes you’re probably not with the right person.
“We all need community and a network of loved ones to support us in certain ways," Brown writes on his blog, Dr. Gary Brown Therapy. "However, when it comes to lifelong partners, there is a deeper level of emotional intimacy and trust that should be present. When things happen... really the first person you should be able to turn to when you need help should be your [partner]."
It’s normal for your sexual chemistry to change, ebb, and flow over time, but if your SO is someone who (if you're totally honest with yourself) you're just not sexually attracted to, it’s time to get real and get out of the relationship. If that’s how you're feeling, Dr. Brown advises you should always “Trust your gut. You deserve (as does the other person) to have a relationship that is not only good on paper but also full of passion. If the chemistry just isn’t there, that’s OK!”
When you fantasize about your partner, what do you picture? Is it your amazing life together? Are you working as partners to achieve both your goals? Or, are you picturing what it might be like if you were to go your separate ways? What would you would say to end it? How they would react? What would life would be like in the aftermath?
Dr. Wish tells Elite Daily that if “you review in your mind over and over that you should break up,” then you should listen to your heart and end things, because they clearly aren't the right person for you.
Fighting is a normal part of any relationship. It's how you set boundaries, compromise, and learn to communicate — provided it's healthy fighting, of course. But Dr. Brown writes that “if you are feeling more and more like each time a difference of opinion comes up, a fight ensues, then this could be a red flag.”
Conversely, if you never fight, that could also be a sign that something is off. Dr. Brown writes that it may point to lack of trust. “Part of being in a trusting, caring, authentic relationship is having the confidence to be able to disagree and work through hard times," he writes. "There is conflict and hard subjects that come up all the time — from finances to family issues, you name it! If you don’t have the trust between each other to have frank conversations, the future of your relationship may not be on the best foundation."
How do you feel when you're together? Happy? Satisfied? Or are you finding more and more often that you're unhappy? If that's the case, Dr. Brown writes that it's time to reassess the relationship and whether or not it’s one you actually even want to be in, because frequent unhappiness is "a sign that your environment, and those in it, is not the right one for you.”
Laughter and your ability to do it with your partner is totally under-appreciated. No matter how bad things get, I can always laugh with my SO. The one area we’ve always connected on through all the ups and downs is humor, and it's carried us through those hard times because laughter is so healing. However, if you can’t remember the last time you really laughed with your partner, Dr. Brown writes it's a sign you’re not with person you’re meant to be with. “Laughter reduces stress, brings people closer, and helps to diffuse tension,” he writes, adding, “the lack of any humor could be a sign [they’re not the one]."
Exactly how unavailable do you consider yourself? Are you fully off the market, or do you only have one foot out the door? Dr. Wish says if “you start looking around for a new partner on social media,” or have found that you “flirt a bit more and send ‘available’ signals to others,” part of you already knows you're not with the right person and it’s time to be honest and move on, as hard as that can be.
So, how many of these signs resonated with you? If a lot of them did, it might be an indication that your partner isn't exactly the right fit. However, if you related to only one or two of these signs, Dr. Wish says there may still be hope for the relationship. Rather than just jumping the gun, she says “these signs could be telling you that you need to examine your relationship. Your partner could be good for you — but [that] you are in a new relationship pattern that is not familiar to you.”
She suggests spending some time in self-reflection before calling it quits. However, after you’ve done that, if you still in your heart know your partner isn't right for you, don't be afraid to end the relationship. You deserve the best, and so do they. Love yourself and them enough to give yourselves the opportunity to find a real connection, even if it means it's with someone new.
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