Good sex is way more than just an orgasm. In fact, if the quality or number of orgasms are the only signs you know the sex was good, you're missing out on a whole universe of complex feelings and emotions that accompany having great sex. Orgasms are definitely important: They make partners feel open and relaxed, and that flood of chemicals to the brain definitely offers a host of health benefits. If your partner isn't checking up on you to make sure you did have an orgasm — and to find out whether you would like some more — then they aren't being very considerate in the bedroom and should adjust their behavior accordingly.
But again, great sex is much more than an orgasm. In fact, your orgasm can feel weak and unfulfilling if you didn't have some amount of feelings and emotions behind it. According to intimacy and sexuality coach Irene Fehr, great sex involves connection to oneself, to their partner, and to their innermost desires. Great sex allows you to express yourself, be vulnerable and raw with one another, and makes you feel safe, held, seen, and appreciated. That can happen with a long-term lover or someone you've only known for a few weeks.
Here is what great sex feels like emotionally.
1. You Feel Spent After.
After great sex, Fehr says you should feel like you have expressed yourself fully. "You moved your body as you desired, voiced yourself fully, and there is nothing left to be shared," she says. You have fully experienced your partner, and they have experienced you.
"It's like your body has surrendered to a ride," Fehr says, "full of ups and downs, having been activated and aroused, then calmed down, then aroused again, then calmed down."
2. You Feel Witnessed, Held, And Met.
Sex involves sharing some pretty vulnerable parts of yourself that not everybody gets to see. According to Fehr, after good sex, you feel closer to your partner, because you have seen and cared for one another. Because of the deep connection you both have just experienced, you feel more open and like you have expanded.
"Vulnerability is about sharing innermost parts of yourself that others don't see," Fehr explains. "Sometimes, your partner may not even see them either. You would feel closer to your partner, having gotten to see them in their openness and nakedness."
After great sex, Fehr says that your partner was there for you throughout your experience, and you were there for them, too.
3. You Feel Safe And Good About Yourself.
Good sex also makes you feel good about yourself. "You have a sense of natural confidence that makes you want to stand up and look others in the eye," Fehr describes.
She also makes it clear that good sex doesn't always look pretty. Sometimes good sex feels like you've gone on a adventure with your partner, but other times, it can even come from feelings of anger or grief.
"In this case, good sex will feel like a having been through a storm together and feeling safe and held by your partner as you experienced and worked through a maelstrom of emotions within you," Fehr says.
Whatever you feel, good sex allows you to channel that emotion into a fulfilling connection. That is what fuels your experience and gives you both the materials for your physical relationship to grow.
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