Most Relatable Woman Ever Totals Her Car Over Terrifying Spider On Mirror
In Portland, Oregon, there lives a woman who is very afraid of spiders and very unafraid of car crashes.
Let me explain.
A woman was driving down the road yesterday when a spider, a regular, un-life-threatening arachnid, dropped down from her rearview mirror and surprised her.
In fact, she was so surprised and so afraid of her tiny assailant that she totaled her car. And don't worry, she wasn't hurt, so it's okay for me to make fun of her.
Look, am I afraid of spiders?
Do I make unmanly banshee cries when one touches me?
Have I ever peed in the kitchen sink because there was a spider in the bathroom?
Sure, I'm just like everyone else.
But, and this is just my personal opinion, if a harmless creature smaller than a tic tac can compel you to flip your thousand pound, fuel-powered land transport device, you should not be allowed to drive.
I think during your driver's test you should have a spider placed on your finger to see if you can handle it.
Other things I think should happen during your driver's test:
The driving instructor should pour hot coffee on your lap, play a radio program that's spewing politics you fervently disagree with and fart with the windows closed -- just to see if you can maintain concentration while these common occurrences attempt to steal your attention away from your driving.
Now, there is no footage of the crash, but I have found a gif I believe accurately captures the spirit of the event.
Both raccoons and spiders were definitely hurt in the making of this article. My heart goes out to them.
Join me in a hymn in their honor.