On Wednesday, Donald Trump tweeted about "Crazy Bernie," officially giving Bernie Sanders the nickname treatment all other presidential candidates -- and Elizabeth Warren -- have received. With this news, we did what any sane person would do and wrote some fan fiction...
Crooked Hillary and Goofy Elizabeth were best friends for as long as anyone at Election Heights High could remember.
Crooked Hillary was the queen bee of EHH, lording over the other students with a calculated mix of affection and dominance. Goofy Elizabeth, on the other hand, was a bright ray of light. It was that balance that made their friendship work.
One day, Goofy Elizabeth and Crooked Hillary walked out to the buses. Dangerous Donald was on his hoverboard, doing spins around Low Energy Jeb. As Dangerous Donald taunted him, Low Energy Jeb chuckled. It was a pretty typical scene for the duo.
Crooked Hillary rolled her eyes and looked at Goofy Elizabeth. But she saw something confusing. Goofy Elizabeth was smiling at Low Energy Jeb.
Crooked Hillary looked back and saw Low Energy Jeb tentatively raising a hand to wave at Goofy Elizabeth. Dangerous Donald grabbed that hand and spun his spineless body around, bringing them both down in a crash on the asphalt.
“What the hell?!” Dangerous Donald shouted at Low Energy Jeb. As usual, Low Energy Jeb just shrugged. Dangerous Donald hopped back on his hoverboard and sped out of the parking lot.
Crooked Hillary and Goofy Elizabeth got on their bus.
“Guess I'm taking the bus home,” Low Energy Jeb sighed, stepping inside. He sat down and yelped in surprise. Crazy Bernie was hiding under the two-seater, waiting to poke whoever sat there with a pencil. Crazy Bernie laughed maniacally and crawled away over the seats.
“Hi, Hillary!” Little Marco squeaked from the front two-seater. Crooked Hillary rolled her eyes. Little Marco, a freshman, was always trying to talk to her.
“I am surrounded by idiots,” Crooked Hillary muttered. She always appreciated that her bus stop was first.
“Wasn't Dangerous Donald supposed to give you a ride home?” Goofy Elizabeth asked Low Energy Jeb after Crooked Hillary got off the bus.
“Yeah,” he said.
“You shouldn't let him mess you around like that,” Goofy Elizabeth said.
“It's OK,” Low Energy Jeb said, looking down. “This just gives me more time to hang out with you.”
Goofy Elizabeth couldn't help but smile.
A week later, Crooked Hillary glared at Goofy Elizabeth and Low Energy Jeb holding hands in the lunchroom. Without her usual lunch partner, she sat at a table alone for the third day in a row.
“Hillary!” Little Marco shouted from the next table over. “Come sit with us!”
Crooked Hillary rolled her eyes as Dangerous Donald sidled up to her.
“We need to build a wall between them,” he said, nodding at Low Energy Jeb and Goofy Elizabeth.
“I mean, that seems a little intense, but yeah we need to stop this,” Crooked Hillary said. At that moment, Crazy Bernie ran up to their table and snatched Crooked Hillary's apple, hurtling it across the lunchroom before running out with a loud cackle trailing behind him.
“Goddammit,” Crooked Hillary said. “This whole place has gone to sh*t.”
Crooked Hillary and Dangerous Donald devised a plan to break their friends up. All they had to do was convince Lyin' Ted to help them out.
Lyin' Ted was known by all the 10th graders of EHH for his impeccable cheating skills. He got away with everything -- forging parents' signatures, stealing answer sheets and even hacking into computers to change grades. He was never caught, but he always left behind one tiny Capricorn zodiac sign.
Dangerous Donald and Crooked Hillary met him at his locker and asked him to forge a letter from Low Energy Jeb to make it look like he was cheating on Goofy Elizabeth.
“What's in it for me?” Lyin' Ted asked.
“We can get you a bunch of dildos,” Dangerous Donald said.
“What?” Lyin' Ted asked.
“Oh, is that weird?” Dangerous Donald said.
Eventually, they agreed to give Lyin' Ted 100 cans of soup to do the deed.
Goofy Elizabeth found the forged note in her locker the next day. Her goofy smile was wiped off her face and she refused to talk to Low Energy Jeb all day.
“I don't know what I did wrong,” Low Energy Jeb said to Dangerous Donald, reunited again, the next day.
“You're super boring,” Dangerous Donald said. “She probably forgot your campaign for her heart even existed.”
Low Energy Jeb sighed.
On the other side of the hallway, Crooked Hillary was annoyed. Goofy Elizabeth had been mopey all day, and Crooked Hillary had better things to do than hang around and comfort her.
Little did she know, Little Marco was watching her from 10 feet away and noticed her obvious annoyance. Little Marco knew this was his chance to get her attention. He approached Low Energy Jeb with a plan.
At the end of the day, Crooked Hillary and Goofy Elizabeth walked outside to the buses.
In the middle of the parking lot, Little Marco was playing “All You Need Is Love” on his little trumpet as Low Energy Jeb stood, slouched, with a bouquet of roses. Crazy Bernie ran around the scene, spinning around in dizzying twists as he joyfully laughed.
Little Marco winked at Crooked Hillary and, to her surprise, she giggled. Goofy Elizabeth didn't know how to handle the scene. Crooked Hillary saw this as her chance to end her misery, which was brought on by Goofy Elizabeth's misery.
“Go ahead,” Crooked Hillary said. “Dangerous Donald and I made up the whole note. Low Energy Jeb isn't cheating on you.”
“Yeah I was kinda confused by that,” Goofy Elizabeth said. “Like, does he even have the energy to two-time? Anyway, I get it. I knew I wasn't spending enough time with you. I'll be better about it this time!”
She ran to embrace Low Energy Jeb. The crowd of students going to their buses stood silently watching.
“Please clap,” Low Energy Jeb urged them, emerging from his hug. The crowd burst into cheers.
“Let's be honest,” Goofy Elizabeth said, “Dangerous Donald is a loser.”
She then launched into a soliloquy, the likes of which EHH had never before heard, detailing all the ways in which Dangerous Donald would wrong the student body.
When she concluded, the crowd cheered louder than ever before. Dangerous Donald had no choice but to speed away from EHH on his hoverboard. With him gone and Goofy Elizabeth happily entertained doing something more productive, Crooked Hillary kept her title as Queen Bee and order was restored at EHH.
At least, everyone was happy Dangerous Donald was gone.